You Can't Imagine
by the.eye.does.not.SEE
Summary: "He'd heard of couples having miscarriages, sure, but he always thought they got past it, moved on, had other kids. That was what people did, didn't they? ...They moved on?" Mark/Lexie
1. Chapter 1

_**Summary:**__** The loss of someone very close to Mark and Lexie tries their relationship in ways they could have never foreseen; the evolution of their relationship is told through a series of intermittent flashbacks.**_

_**Background information**__**: Mark and Lexie have been dating for about six months when this story starts. They've kept it hidden all this time, but they both decided to tell Meredith and Derek today, to get it out of the way for bigger news.**_

_**Note:**__** Thought I did spend a while researching this topic, not all of what's in here is what would have in an actual medical situation. If you're familiar with this topic, please just push aside some of my generalizations or inaccurate information/presentation. Thanks.**_

_Monday, April 11__th_

_3 PM._

"Hey," Lexie says, walking into exam room three.

"Hello," Meredith greets her distractedly. She'd just discharged her patient and the room was empty until the next one came in, so Meredith used it as a makeshift office for the time being. She's scribbling busily into her patient's charts, not noticing the way Lexie hesitates in the doorway, the way her eyes sweep the room to make sure they're alone.

"I wanted to tell you something," Lexie begins cautiously, closing the door gently behind her.

"Hm? And what's that?" Meredith asks, her attention still focused on the charts in front of her.

"Mer, it's kind of important, so I'd, um, like your full attention." Mer looks up, expectant.

"Okay," she says, capping the pen and closing the chart before turning to face her sister. "What's up?"

"I just…" Lexie begins slowly, but her word count quickly picks up speed. "I just wanted you to know right away that I did not try to keep this from you. It just—It just sort of happened. We didn't really mean to—to hide anything from you, and I wouldn't want you to think that—_OUCH," _Lexie cries out as her hand flies to her abdomen, feeling a sharp pain radiating from her midsection.

"You okay?" Meredith asks worriedly, stepping around the bed towards Lexie.

"Yeah, I'm, I'm—ow, oh god, _ow._"

"Lexie—" Meredith begins before her voice catches in her throat. She glances down, seeing blood beginning to trail down Lexie's thighs. Lexie follows her gaze, looking down speechlessly as she winces in pain.

"Come here," Meredith orders, taking control of the situation and leading Lexie into the exam room's bathroom. "I'll call up and get someone from OB/GYN to give you a D&C." She helps Lexie sit gingerly on the toilet seat. "I'll get you through this, Lexie," Meredith reassures her. She knew how hard it was for Christina—though she barely showed it—to lose the baby she was going to abort…Meredith could barely think what Lexie was going through right now. All she knew was that Lexie needed help, and she sure as hell wasn't as strong as Christina in this department. Lexie just nods weakly at Meredith's assurance, still focused on getting her point across before her brain catches up with what has just happened.

"Mer, I really think you need to hear what I was going to tell you—"

"Lexie, it's not important right now," Meredith replies. "We need to get you fixed up first. Don't worry, all right? I'll call right now," Meredith tells her, stepping outside to reach the phone at the nurses' station down the hall.

…

"Hey," Mark calls jovially, walking up to his best friend in the cafeteria. Derek looks up at him, confused.

"Hello…"

"Whatcha doing?"

"I'm eating," Derek states, looking pointedly down at his lunch. Mark nods, not detecting the faux-seriousness in Derek's tone.

"Mind if I join you?" Mark asks, pulling out a chair before Derek can respond.

"Sure," Derek replies around a bite of salad. "Anything you wanted to talk about?" Derek hints, surveying his friend. Mark's eyes widen at Derek's question, his voice shocked.

"What?" Mark asks worriedly, his eyes darting to his friend. _Does he know? Is he just waiting to nail me on it? How would he possibly—_

"What?" Derek asks back, slower this time, suspicious. Mark isn't one to get nervous or embarrassed, Derek notes with a furrow of his eyebrows.

"Nothing, I…" Mark straightens in his chair _Just get it over with already, _he thinks. "There's something I wanted to talk to you about."

"Okay."

"It's, um, kind of…" Mark pauses, searching for the right word. _Great? Fantastic? Life-changing? _"…Shocking," he finishes.

"Okay," Derek repeats, sitting back to study his friend. Mark has never acted this nervous around him. Derek narrows his eyes. Mark never acted this nervous around _anyone_. "What is this shocking thing you wanted to tell me?"

"Well," Mark begins, only to have the shrill chirp of his cell interrupt him. He sighs, glancing down, and reads the name off the screen. _Lexie. _He smiles involuntarily, putting up a finger to his friend and bringing the phone to his ear.

"Hey," he says into his cell.

…

Lex watches Meredith walk out to the nurses' station before grabbing her cell and calling Mark. He answers on the first ring.

"Mark, I need you," she says in a strained voice, trying to keep the pain out of her tone.

"Who is this?" Mark asks, amusement filling his voice—it's so much easier to laugh something off than to be terrified of admitting your relationship to your highly judgmental best friend. Derek glances at him, confused. Mark just shakes his head, smiling, getting up and walking a few feet away to speak privately, out of Derek's earshot.

"Mark, it's Lexie. I'm serious—" She grips the sink in pain, her voice breaking.

"Lexie Grey?" Mark asks, feigning surprise. "This is _highly _inappropriate," he jokes. "You shouldn't be—"

"Mark," Lexie interrupts, trying not to panic. "I'm in exam room three, on the surgical floor. I really need you down here. I—I can't do this alone," she whispers.

"Lexie?" Mark feels his heart race with worry. "What happened?" He asks quickly, already heading towards the elevators and jumping on one about to descend, leaving behind a bewildered Derek. "Are you hurt? Lex, tell me, please," he pleads, getting off on the surgical floor and heading towards the exam rooms.

"I, Mark, I think…" She takes a deep breath, trying not to cry. She jumps in her seat as the slam of the door hitting the wall interrupts her mid-sentence.

"Lexie," he calls, walking quickly around the bed.

"I'm in here," she says. He can barely hear her voice through the thick wooden bathroom door. She hangs up the phone as he opens the door quickly, moving fluidly towards her. His worried face soon turns shocked and sorrowful as he takes in her bloodstained appearance.

"Lexie," he murmurs, crouching beside her by the sink. "What…What happened?"

She looks to him, the tears she's been holding back finally spilling down her face. Her breathing starts coming in ragged gasps as her mind finally catches up to everything that's happened.

"I…I lost him, Mark," she chokes out, tears falling down her face. "I lost the baby. l—I lost _our _baby." Without hesitation, Mark pulls her into a tight hug, murmuring comforting words as her sobs intensify.

Even though she's never felt the baby kick or noted any other movement from him, Lexie still feels an all-encompassing sorrow consume her when it finally hits her. She felt it begin the moment Mark walked in. His stricken, panicked face…She was sure that's exactly how _she_ had looked when he'd walked in. The way his eyes had scanned over her body, resting momentarily on her bloodstained midsection before turning their sorrowful eyes to her face. It was just too much. She'd only been pregnant for a few months, but it had seemed much longer. It has seemed so _important_.

Maybe it seemed so life changing because it wasn't just the baby that Lexie was mourning, it was what the baby symbolized for her and Mark: a future together. She'd thought, probably naively, that with this baby everything would be okay. Sure, there'd be hard times, there's be bad times…But they'd get through it, right? Mark loved her, and she loved him back. And they were both so excited for this baby.

But now that it was gone…Well, that was the question, wasn't it?

What now?

"Lexie, it'll be okay, I promise," Mark murmurs to her, holding her tightly.

"Mark, I…I'm so sorry…I didn't know anything was wrong…I just…I didn't know what to say to Meredith, and then…"

"Lex, shh," he consoles her, even though there are tears threatening to fall down his cheeks as well. "This isn't your fault," he tells her firmly. "Please, don't blame yourself for this." His eyes are pleading. "This isn't your fault."

"I…" She closes her eyes, tears escaping. "I know how badly you wanted a baby, Mark. I'm so sorry I took that away from you."

"Hey, hey, hey," he murmurs, pulling back so he can look her in the eye. "You didn't take anything away from me, okay? You gave me everything I could have ever hoped to want, and many things I didn't even know I wanted." His hand cups her cheek lightly, tilting her head so he can look into her eyes. "I love you, Lexie. This doesn't change that." He raises his other hand to stroke her hair lightly. "This _couldn't _change that."

She smiles hesitantly. He leans down, kissing her fully on the mouth to prove his point. "I love you. You can't change that, Little Grey."

"No matter how hard I try?" She whispers against his lips.

"No matter how hard you try," he replies, kissing her once more.

…

"Lexie, I…" Meredith starts, her voice dying in her throat when she takes in the sight of _Mark_ _Sloan_ hugging her little sister. And she's hugging him back. They both look up at the sound of her voice, and Meredith quickly masks her shock and disapproval.

"I called up to OB," she continues as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. Mark and Lexie are still holding each other. Meredith tries not to dwell on how surreal this is, or notice the fact that they _both_ look like they've been crying. "They've got an opening in a few hours." She pauses. "Do you want me to put you in as a Jane Doe?"

Mark's eyes flit to Lexie's. She glances to him, unsure. "I…I don't know…"

"Well, for now, I'll just keep it anonymous. If you want to change the file's status later, you can." Lexie nods, and there's a pause before Meredith speaks again. "Mark, can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Mark," Lexie murmurs, looking worriedly to her boyfriend, hoping Meredith won't take this opportunity to unleash on him. Mark, though, nods in the woman's direction before turning back to his girlfriend.

"I'll be right back, okay?" He whispers to her, leaning his forehead against hers. She opens her mouth to say something, but he cuts her off. "It's fine," he tells her. Mark knows she doesn't need to worry anymore than she already is, and if Meredith is going to take this opportunity to be a bitch, Lexie shouldn't care what she thinks anyway. "I love you," he whispers, too quiet for Lexie's sister to hear. He kisses her once before getting to his feet and following Meredith out into the main exam room.

When he steps out of the bathroom, Meredith is standing on the opposite side of the gurney, an unreadable expression on her face. At first, she was going to ask him what the _fuck _he was doing with her little sister…But now…Now that she'd seen what had happened—how this loss of life meant something to Mark as well…She'd changed her mind. His watery eyes didn't do much to hold her resolve, anyway. Mark is about to open his mouth to warn her not to say anything, not _now, _but she speaks first.

"I called OB," Meredith tells him, her voice matter-of-fact, "and got her an appointment with Dr. Lighton. It's in a couple hours, I had to call in a favor so she'd see Lexie today."

Mark nods.

"I grabbed some clean scrubs from the locker room—they're as close to her size as I could find," Meredith tells him, passing the garments to him. "Do you want me to…?" She trails off, gesturing to the clothes.

"I've got it, thank you," Mark says quietly, taking the small pile of clothes from her. "Fourth floor, right?" He asks, referring to the obstetrics and gynecology floor.

"Fourth floor," she replies as her pager goes off. "Derek," she sighs, brushing her hair out of her face.

"It's okay," Mark says, knowing she's already done enough. Meredith just nods, glancing towards Lexie in the bathroom.

"Look, Mark, I...I don't know what's going on here," she sighs again, and Mark looks down, feeling guilty and ashamed for not telling either of them sooner. "But I'm glad you're here for her."

Mark looks up in surprise as she continues.

"I know what I said before. And I meant what I said…I just…I hope you know what you're doing here."

"Meredith—"

"I know this wasn't supposed to happen," Meredith interrupts him as if he hadn't spoken. Her eyes meet his. "And I'm very sorry that it did." She sighs, glancing back to the bathroom. "Just…Just promise me you still be there for her after this, okay? She…She doesn't know what it's like, but…"

"But I do," Mark finishes for her. "I know as well as you do, Meredith, what it's like. I'm not going to leave her. I need you to believe that."

Meredith pauses, closing her eyes and going against her better judgment before meeting his again. "I do," she tells him quietly. "After this, I do."

They look at each other for a moment, each unsure of what to say. The silence is broken, though, as her pager goes off again.

"I need to go—We've got a patient going into surgery and—"

"I get it."

Meredith nods, heading for the door, but a hand catches her arm.

"I'd rather we...kept this between ourselves. Derek might not…see what you see. And I was—I was going to tell him today. But now…" He trails off, rubbing his face.

"Okay," Meredith tells him. They stand there for a few moments, looking at each other, before Meredith grabs her cell.

"Hi, this is Dr. Meredith Grey," she says into her phone as Mark watches with curiosity. "Could you please tell Dr. Shepherd that I won't be assisting him?" She pauses while the scrub nurse asks for more information. "I am sure, and there are plenty of other residents he could have assist him. Just tell him there was an unexpected crisis that I need to deal with right now. Thank you."

She hangs up, turning to face Mark. "I'm not leaving her either."

Mark nods, internally grateful that he wouldn't have to help her through this on his own. He didn't know _how _to help her through this on his own.

"I'm going to tell the nurses to wait a few minutes before sending in any new patients," Meredith states. "You can help her change?"

"Sure, thanks," Mark says, heading to the small bathroom. "Hey," he calls, opening the door slowly. "Meredith brought you some clothes."

…

_ "Hey," Mark calls, opening the apartment door. Lexie immediately tenses, her knuckles turning white around the pages of the magazine she's been using as a prop for the last fifteen minutes, waiting anxiously for him to get back. "I'm home," he announces. She can hear him drop the keys on the table by the door. "Lex? You here?"_

_ "Y—Yeah," she replies, her voice faltering. "I'm by the TV."_

_ He walks out of the small foyer, heading towards her voice, as she sits in silent fear._

_ "Hey." He smiles when he sees her, moving to sit beside her on the couch. "What're you reading?"_

_ "No—nothing. I'm just…" She bites her lip, turning to face him, her eyes worried. "There's something I need to talk to you about, Mark."_

_ "Okay, shoot." The smile's still there._

_ "I, um…I…" She pauses, taking a deep breath. Looking into his eyes, she knows she'll never be able to get the words out. She's too scared of rejection. _So I won't do the talking_, Lexie thinks, getting up and walking away from the couch without an explanation._

_ "Lex?" He asks, confused, watching as she leaves without another word and walks toward their bedroom. He rises to him feet to follow her, his brow furrowed. "What is it?"_

_ He stops suddenly when he enters their room, since Lexie's standing directly in the doorway._

_ "Lexie, what aren't you telling me?" He asks, his voice full of concern. "You can say…" His voice falls flat as she extends her hand towards him, a thin, long, and white item resting on her palm. His eyes fly to hers, a question in them, but neither speaks. He reaches his hand out to take the item, surprised when he sees that his hand is shaking. Lexie notices too, and her eyes rest worriedly on him._

_ Though Mark already knows what it will say, he gently turns the test over, glancing down as he does so. He studies the two pink lines for a moment before setting it gently on the dresser nearby. Lexie watches his every movement, apprehensive. When his eyes meet hers finally, they're same impenetrable, icy-blue as always. She licks her lips lightly, her mouth suddenly dry, tensing for whatever's coming. _

_ Within seconds, his eyes grow very tender, roaming over her face. Soon, he closes the distance between them swiftly, taking her face between his hands gingerly, gazing right into her eyes. "I love you, Lexie Grey," he tells her with conviction._

_ She beams, laughing in relief, as he kisses her deeply on the mouth. Her hands come up to wrap around his neck as he steps closer. They break apart a moment later, clinging to each other as if their lives depended on it._

_ "Lexie, I…You have no idea what this means to me," he murmurs into her hair, feeling his eyes prick with emotion. She smiles, kissing his neck._

_ "I know," she murmurs, blinking through her happy tears. "I love you too, Mark."_

…

_ I love you too, Mark._

The words reverberate within Lexie's memory, as if they were a curse or a jinx. She always knew, in the back of her head, that things could never be this good. Just as life would become ideal, a wrench would be thrown into the gears, shattering everything to pieces. _This isn't me being pessimistic, _Lexie thinks adamantly, trying not to focus on the pile of bloodstained clothes in the corner of the bathroom. _This is just the truth._

Just after she got accepted into Harvard, not only one of the most prestigious schools in the nation, but also her first pick, her father had started drinking again. And then, when she was about to start her internship, her mother had died. And today…

When she'd woken up this morning, everything was perfect. She had a boyfriend she loved who _loved her back. _She was pregnant with his baby, and he was staying with her because of that love. Even though a baby wasn't part of the original plan, he was still there for her—and not out of obligation, not out of being a nice guy (Mark would cringe at that label), but because he _wanted _to be there. The pregnancy itself couldn't have begun smoother. Nothing odd had happened, no weird pains, no sudden dizziness or any other mysterious symptoms. And they were planning on telling their friends today.

Boy, had she been nervous.

…

_Lexie woke up about twenty minutes too early, but she was content to lie in bed with Mark until he woke up at six. Technically, she didn't have to go into the hospital until after seven, but she was too anxious to go back to sleep. So she laid there, watching his naked chest rise and fall in an easy rhythm._

_ After a few minutes, her eyes shift to look out the window, watching the sun grow higher in the sky, her thoughts drifting._

_ "You really that worried?" Mark asks. Lexie starts, not having known he was awake. He grins as he catches her eye._

_ "How long have you been awake?" She asks, leaning over to kiss him good morning._

_ "Just a few minutes. You looked preoccupied," he notes, seeming to read her thoughts with his gaze. Lexie runs a hand through her mussed hair._

_ "It's nothing. I just…Yes, I'm worried. I don't know how Meredith will take it. And not just us, but…" She glances down to her stomach, shaking her head. "She's going to say I'm crazy."_

_ Mark shifts up in bed, placing his head on his shoulder and wrapping an arm around her body. "You'll be fine, Lex. And we…" He kisses her ear lightly. "We don't need to tell anyone about the baby until you're ready."_

_ Lexie laughs at this. "Ah, yes, because that's the great thing about being pregnant—no one can tell just by looking at you." Mark grins at her, hugging her body tighter to his._

_ "You know what I mean, Lexie."_

_ "I know," she mutters, turning her head to kiss him. "And I get it…But I don't want to wait too long. It'll really start to show in a month or two, maybe even just a few weeks, and I don't want her to put the pieces together before she hears it from me."_

_ "She won't," Mark reassures her. "Meredith has plenty of more important things to do than make sure you're maintaining the correct body weight."_

_ Lexie rolls her eyes. "There are other ways to tell, Mark."_

_ "Yeah, I know," he replies, smirking, his hands skimming along her sides. "Your boobs get bigger."_

_ "You're an idiot," Lexie laughs, leaning back to kiss the curve of his neck. They lie together comfortably for a few minutes, wrapped together, before Lexie speaks again._

_ "I wish we could just stay here all day," she murmurs, eyes closed, her head tipped back against his shoulder._

_ "I know," Mark replies, resting his chin on the crown of her head lightly. "I don't wanna go in either."_

_ Lexie sighs contentedly; snuggling against him for a few quiet minutes more before the loud shrill of an alarm interrupts the silence. Mark groans, kissing her quickly before rolling over, getting up, and walking over to the dresser. Lexie spreads out on the bed, stretching her arms and legs, yawning. Mark glances over his shoulder at her, smirking._

_ "You know, you can sleep for another hour. It's only five-forty; you don't have to be in till seven, right?"_

_ "I don't mind," she replies, getting up as well, giving him a small smile. "I'd rather go in with you anyhow."_

…

**Review please!**


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2:**

**Author's Note: I meant to say this in the first chapter, but the reason I started this story in the beginning was because I was so dissatisfied with the way they dealt with MerDer losing their baby. Seeing as they're pretty much the main couple on **_**Grey's**_**, I expected them to focus on it at least a bit more than one small conversation (which barely even mentioned the baby). So I wrote this as kind of a response to that, but I used Mark and Lexie because they're my favorite couple on the show. :)**

**PS: Thanks for all the reviews and story alerts so far!**

"Can you leave room three free for about ten minutes?" Meredith asks one of the head nurses. "I've got some paperwork to catch up on."

"You can't do it anywhere else?" The nurses asks, trying to not roll her eyes.

"Please?" Meredith counters, putting on a sad face. "I'm really behind, and if I don't get it done before –"

"Fine," the nurse waves her away. "But if there's an emergent patient, you better clear out."

"Of course, thank you," Meredith replies as the nurse turns to answer the ringing phone.

"Dr. Grey," she calls as Meredith walks back to the exam room. "Dr. Shepherd's on the phone for you."

Meredith furrows her eyebrows. _He should be in surgery. _"Hey," she says into the phone. "Aren't you supposed to be operating?"

"I _am _operating," Derek replies. "How come you didn't show?"

"Derek, I told you. There's an emergency I have to deal with right now. You got someone else to scrub in, right?"

"Yeah, Karev's here. Hey, have you seen Mark? He ran out of lunch earlier, it was weird…"

Meredith's eyes widen as she glances instinctually back to the exam room. "Uh, yeah, I did. He didn't really say anything, though…"

"What sort of emergency is there?"

"It's…" Meredith pauses, not sure of what to say. _He'll find out eventually, _she reasons. "It's Lexie. Something…something happened."

"What do you mean, something happened? Is she okay?"

"Not…really," Meredith hedges, making sure the nurse isn't eavesdropping.

"Meredith, tell me what happened."

"I—can't. Look, call me after you get out of surgery. We'll talk then, okay?"

"Mer—" Derek starts, but his voice is cut off as she hangs up the phone.

…

"You feel okay to stand?" Mark asks taking hold of her forearms. Lexie nods, letting him help her up. They stand there for a moment, with Lexie taking the time to regain her balance. She takes a hesitant step forward, and finds that it isn't as painful as she'd suspected. She hadn't been on an OB rotation in a while, let alone anything involving miscarriages, but she'd expected there to be pain as she moved. _I guess not_, Lexie thinks, feeling grateful for one thing as she walks out into the main exam room. Mark follows behind her, his eyes tracking her every movement, ready to swoop in at the slightest indication that she's having trouble. Just as Lexie's rounding the bed, Meredith walks back in.

"Hey, you're up," Meredith says, relieved to see that Lexie had changed out of her stained scrubs.

"Yeah," Lexie replies quietly. Meredith glances to Mark, but quickly looks back to Lexie's face.

"Dr. Lighton said she'd be able to do your D&C in a little over an hour," Meredith informs her. "But we can take you up now, try and find a room, if you want."

"Sure," Lexie replies, her voice still muted.

"I'll take her up," Mark tells Meredith, moving to stand beside his girlfriend. Meredith just nods, knowing she shouldn't argue with either of them, and watches as they leave the exam room and head to the elevator bank. Meredith sits down heavily in a nearby chair, pulling out her cell. She's got a missed call from Derek and two texts. She closes her eyes momentarily. _I'll look at them later. _Instead, she dial's Callie's number.

…

"Hello?" Callie answers, balancing her phone between her shoulder and ear while juggling five charts.

"Hey, it's Meredith. I was wondering…Did you know about Mark and Lexie?"

Callie freezes, almost dropping her charts. She quickly recovers, though, and sets down her charts before moving to a relatively secluded part of the hallway. "What do you mean?" She asks hesitantly. She didn't want to give away anything Meredith didn't already know; she knew both Mark and Lexie would have her head for it.

…

_ Lexie paces back and forth, waiting for someone to come home. Depending on their schedules, Mark and Callie can either come home at the same time or at totally different hours. She walks over to the door, checking through the peephole to see if there's anyone out there. She'd called Mark a few hours ago, and he wasn't supposed to be back till late tonight. Callie, on the other hand, she'd discovered, should be back any minute. __Lexie hopes that her information was correct._

_ Lexie had had the day off today, and it was one of the __**longest **__days of her life. Forget forty-two hour shifts, this was so much worse. She looked over to her jacket for what had to be the hundredth time today—and saw a small white box peeking out of the pocket. A few hours earlier, she'd finally mustered up the courage to buy a test at a convenience store downtown. She'd even gone out of her way to the farthest one—not because she was worried someone would see her, but because she couldn't bring herself to actually __**buy **__one. If she was at the hospital today, it would have been easy. She could have just snagged one from the storage closet and take it between shifts or on a bathroom break…But having to actually go out and __**buy **__the test made it so much more real._

_And scary. _

Can't forget the scary,_ Lexie thinks to herself as she hears the elevator ding down the hallway. Lexie jumps up, grabbing the test and her keys and heading out of the apartment._

"_Hey," Lexie calls, trying to sound casual as she all but throws open the door to greet Callie as quickly as possible._

_ "Hey," Callie replies, rummaging in her purse for her keys as Lexie walks up to her._

_ "Can I…Can I talk to you?" Lexie asks hesitantly, standing beside the orthopedic surgeon._

_ "Yeah, sure," Callie replies, opening the door. "Come on in," she mutters after Lexie walks in of her own accord. "What did you want to talk to me about?"_

_ "I, uh…I…"_

_ "Lexie, spit it out," Callie says, moving into the kitchen to get a drink._

_ "I think I might be pregnant," Lexie blurts, still standing by the door. Callie stops walking, pivoting slowly to face the younger doctor._

_ "You '__think?'__ You mean you haven't checked?"_

_ "No, no, I—I bought a test, but I can't…" Her tortured eyes meet Callie's. "What if he doesn't want it?" Lexie whispers, her eyes threatening to turn watery._

_ "Lexie," Callie says, smiling and walking over to her. "Mark wants kids—trust me. And even if he __**didn't **__want kids, I'm sure he'd make an exception for you."_

_ Lexie stares at her for a moment before giving her friend a small smile. "You think?" She asks after a moment._

_ "Definitely," Callie replies, smiling back. "Now, do you wanna find out if this is worth freaking out about?" She asks, gesturing to Lexie's right hand. Lexie looks down. Lost in her anxiety, she hadn't even noticed she was holding the test in plain sight. Lexie looks back up at Callie, a nervous smile on her face._

_ "Come on," Callie tells her, leading the way to the bathroom._

…

"I mean, you know that they're together?" Meredith asks.

"Yes," Callie replies, the word slipping slowly from her lips.

"For how long?"

"A while," Callie hedges, knowing she's pushing the limits of their agreement. _They asked me not to say anything to Meredith or Derek…Whatever,_ Callie thinks. _If Lexie told her, then she'll find out the rest eventually, right? _

"Since the beginning. About six months ago," Callie adds before Meredith can ask for more information.

"Six months," Meredith murmurs. _They've been together for __**six months**__?_ "And this whole time they've been…what? Hiding from everyone?"

"Well, kind of," Callie replies. "I mean, they were worried about telling you and Derek, so I was really the only person that knew…Why? Did they say anything else?" Callie asks, wondering if they've told them about the baby yet or decided to wait.

"Not—not really," Meredith replies, unsure of who Mark and Lexie have told about the baby. Just as Callie's about to ask what she's talking about, there's a loud beeping on Meredith's side of the call.

"Callie, I've got another call. I'll call your right back," she says, hanging up quickly.

…

"Is Lexie all right?" Derek asks immediately, annoyed at her cutting him out of the loop.

"Derek this isn't really something I should tell you over the phone," she replies.

"Well, how about you tell me if your sister is okay first?"

"Physically, she'll be fine. She'll recover."

"Physically? What's that supposed to mean? What happened to her?"

"Look, Derek, I'd rather not talk about this on the phone. Just—just meet me on the fourth floor, all right? You'll be done soon, won't you-it's just a shunt replacement. I'll explain everything there," Meredith replies, leaving the room and heading upstairs on her own to find Mark and Lexie.

"Yeah, I will be, but Mer, why are you on the OB—" Derek starts to say before she shuts her phone, sighing. She calls dials Callie's number quickly, knowing that she should probably be there for Mark, seeing as his best friend will be too overloaded with the reality of the situation to comfort him.

…

"What'd she say?" Lexie asks softly, looking over to him.

"She said she wanted to be able to push things up for us, but she can't right now," Mark replies. "It might be a little over an hour until she can see us."

Lexie nods, looking to her hands. Mark walks back over to her, sitting by her bedside. "Hey, it'll be okay, all right? She'll—she'll do the D&C and it'll be okay," he murmurs, not feeling sure of his own words at all but not wanting her to know that.

"Right," Lexie replies, raising her eyes to meet his. "I know."

…

"Trauma, bed two," Hunt shouts, pointing down the ER hall. The paramedics rush the severely injured young girl towards the gurney, taking care not to jostle her too much incase the wounds worsen.

"One, two, three," Hunt calls as the lift her up and set her down in the hospital bed. It's the first time he gets a good look at the patient—and what he sees is far out of his area of expertise. She's covered in massive burns all along her arms. Luckily, the fire seemed to have eluded her torso, only grazing her legs lightly but hitting her arms pretty hard—thankfully, the burns are away from any major organs. "Page Sloan and Robbins," Hunt shouts before turning back to the girl.

…

"I'm sorry, Lex," Mark says, his lip twitching into a frown as he checks his pager. They've gotten her up to the Obstetrics floor and into her own exam room, but Mark hated leaving her here. _It's barely better than the bathroom on the surgical floor_, he thinks trying to dispel the memories from just an hour before. "I don't…I don't want you to have to go alone." He hadn't thought of it before—if it wasn't him, who would take her up there? Stay with her? Hold her hand? Talk to the doctor?

"Mark, you have to go help Hunt. It's—it's fine; I'll be okay."

"You sure?" He asks, studying her face.

"I'm sure," she replies, raising a hand to cup his face. "It'll be okay," she tells him, leaning forward to kiss his lips softly.

"Isn't that my line?" He mumbles into her skin. She pulls back a moment later, and his eyes focus on her, trying to see if there's something—_anything—_he can do. She notices him staring, and gives him a small smile.

"I'll be all right," she reassures him, laying her hand on his. He squeezes her fingers.

"I don't want to leave you."

"I know; I don't want you to either. But there are other people who need your help more than me right now." He glances away, out the window. "Go," she urges him, removing her hand.

"Okay," he murmurs, leaning down to kiss her quickly before leaving.

…

"You know, you really need to stop hanging up on me," Derek says as he approaches. "Especially when I have no idea if Lexie is okay! I had to practically run out of that surgery to get up here. What even happened to her? Is she—" Derek's voice dies in his throat as his eyes take in the sight just behinds his wife: Lexie, in a hospital bed, being comforted by his best friend. "What in the…?"

"Come on," she mutters, leading him a few feet away. Meredith takes his arm, leading him away and explaining in a low voice all that she knows.

"What…What…." Derek doesn't even know what to ask, this is all so surreal.

"She had a miscarriage," Meredith whispers. "That's what I meant when I said she'd physically recover. It was Mark's baby," Meredith explains quietly, watching Derek's eyes widen in further shock. He stares at her, speechless, as she continues. "Lexie was going to tell me today, but before she could, this happened." Derek is still staring at the couple, his mouth slightly open and his eyes wide. "Did he ever say anything to you?"

"What?" Derek murmurs, not taking his eyes off them.

"Did Mark say anything to you? About Lexie?"

"No," Derek murmurs. "He had some announcement to tell me. We were just about to eat when he ran out…" His eyes flit to Meredith's, understanding sweeping over him. "He was going to tell me about them," Derek states. Meredith nods.

"Most likely."

"I can't…I can't even believe this. How long has this been going on without us noticing?" Derek mutters.

"I talked to Callie. She told me that they've been together for half a year."

"Half...Half a _year?_"

"Remember, in October?" Meredith asks, jogging his memory. "We were wondering what had Lexie so preoccupied? Why she was gone from the house for days, almost weeks at a time, all those months ago? Wondering what 'friend' she'd found an apartment to live with when Christina and Owen could barely find one for themselves? She's been living with Mark."

"_What?_" He asks, his voice barely discernable, glancing at the couple through the exam room's window. He can see them leaning towards each other, their lips meeting softly.

"Six months," Meredith tells him, following her husband's gaze. "Six months they've been together and we didn't suspect a thing."

"Callie…?"

"She knew. Mark told her a few weeks into it, said he needed someone to talk to. Sadie knew too; she'd known from the beginning."

"And they didn't…?"

"No one told," Meredith replies. "Sadie left before she even had the chance to tell me, and Callie…Well, she's surprisingly good at keeping secrets."

"And Mark…" Derek mutters, trying to sort through it all and think back to a time when things weren't like this.

"You ever notice how we stopped hearing about him in on-call rooms with nurses? You ever realize he was always the one missing when we went out to Joe's? How Callie would always feign ignorance when we asked her where he was? We thought he was just sleeping around, but actually…"

"He was with Lexie," Derek finishes for her, the disbelief evident in his voice. "I can't…I don't even…"

"Grey," Mark interrupts them, walking up to the pair. His face seems infinitely more tired, aged in just a few short hours. "I've, uh, got an emergency. Anoth—Another emergency," he clarifies. "Can you…" He trails off, glancing back to Lexie.

"I'll stay with her," Meredith assures him. She steps closer, lowering her voice. "Are you sure you want to operate right now?"

Mark looks down, rubbing his face. "I'm not operating," he tells Meredith. "I'm just treating a burn victim—it's routine. You'll—you'll watch her, though?"

"I will," Meredith replies, not bothering to tell him he should go home—he'd never listen anyway. "If you're still gone, I can take her up to her appointment," Meredith offers.

"Thank you," Mark tells her, relief visible on his face. "That—that would really help."

"Of course."

"And if—if I'm not back by the time it's over…" Mark trails off, grabbing his prescription pad and scribbling a note on the back. He tears it off, handing her the little slip of paper. Meredith opens it to find an address written on the inside, just a few blocks from the hospital. "You'll take her home?"

Meredith nods her assent, putting the paper in her scrubs pocket. "Go ahead," she tells him, putting a hand on his arm to direct him to the OR. "I've got this."

He nods, glancing once to Derek before leaving. Before Derek can speak, though, Mark is gone.

…

Mark gets down to the ER as fast as possible, already wanting to be back upstairs with Lexie. He looks around, not seeing Hunt or any burn victims, until his eyes settle on a little girl. Mark closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before putting a smile on his face and walking towards her. He has to mentally remind himself to be professional.

"Hey, I heard your name was Kylie, is that right?" Mark asks, sitting down next to the little girl, glancing to the nurses and mouthing for supplies.

"Kylie…Hyden," the girl murmurs, glancing up at her mother. Mark nods, injecting some anesthetic into her IV to ease the pain.

"That's a nice name, Kylie Hyden," Mark replies, starting to clear some of the more complex burns. "How old are you?"

"I'm eight," she replies.

"Eight, wow. You're almost on your way to double digits," Mark replies, trying to sound enthusiastic. ...But he can tell his voice falls flat.

"I'll be nine in July," Kylie reports proudly.

Mark's head snaps up at this, the date having been ingrained in his mind since the beginning of January.

"Dr. Sloan?" Arizona questions, glancing at him with an odd expression on her face. He doesn't say anything, but simply ducks his head back down, trying to focus on the wound and not on what will no longer be happening in July.

"July's a good month," he replies after a moment, working and quickly and efficiently as he can. He'd by lying if he said he was focused on the girl's injuries. As much as he wanted to be, as much as he knew he _needed _to be…He just couldn't. Not with Lexie upstairs, without him…

…

"I'm going to give you some general anesthetic, so the pain won't be so bad afterward," Dr. Lighton informs Lexie, moving to grab a syringe from a nearby drawer. "But you'll be out the whole time." When the doctor begins explaining the possible after-effects of the miscarriage, Lexie lets her mind wander as the anesthetic kicks in.

She remembers how, on their way back from the obstetrician, they'd picked names. They'd argued for hours, laughing and talking, long after they'd come to a decision. It was just like that first night, except it was so much more now. It _meant _so much more.

...

_"We are not naming our kid Franklin," Lexie argues, opening the door. She's shot down every ridiculous name he'd thought of with a laugh the whole way home. Mark had done the same to her, of course, a smile on his face._

_ "Well, why not? There are plenty of good Franklins!" Mark protests, shutting the door behind them. Lexie just rolls her eyes._

_ "What Franklin can you think of besides the one of the hundred-dollar bill?"_

_Mark pauses for a moment, thinking. "Fine," he mutters. "Why, what do you want to name him? Sebastian?"_

_ "It's not that bad of a name," Lexie argues, placing the ultrasound picture on the counter. Mark just rolls his eyes at her suggestion, but grins at the picture._

_ "Peter's a good one," Mark offers._

_ Lexie makes a face. "Eh. It's too…biblical."_

_ Mark raises an eyebrow. "Biblical? Come on, Lex, who really associates 'Peter' with the bible anymore?"_

_ "Plenty of people."_

_ "Wrong. No one does," he tells her, leaning forward to kiss her lightly before heading to the kitchen. Lexie picks up the picture again, following after him, brainstorming. "I think we should pick a famous name," he continues. "You know, so we can point to someone and be like '__**that**_ _is who you're named after.'"_

_ "Do you have someone in mind?"_

_ "No. I was just saying…I don't know. We should pick someone important. Respectable."_

_ "Yes, and next you'll be suggesting we call him _Derek_," Lexie replies, a smile on her lips. Mark turns around to look at her, and after a moment they both burst out laughing._

_ "Okay," Lexie says, catching her breath. "Okay. How…how about…" She pauses, thinking. "Michael?"_

_ Mark's eyes flit to hers. He thinks for a minute. No embarrassing memories come to mind, no annoying coworkers or asshole acquaintances. He smiles widely at his girlfriend, walking towards her. _

"_I think Michael is a __**great**__ name," he replies, leaning forward to kiss her as his hand drifts to settle on her barely-there belly._

_ "Hey," Lexie says when he pulls away. She rests her hands behind his neck, brining his face closer to hers again. "We just named our baby."_

_ He kisses her again, his fingers tracing the smooth skin of her face. "We just named our baby." He can feel her wide grin mirror his own._

…

"Okay, I think we're about done here," Dr. Lighton says, giving a sad smile to her patient, as Lexie returns to consciousness. Lexie nods, trying to shake off the feel of the anesthetic while lying still as the doctor removes the equipment and paper from around her knees, letting Lexie's legs hang over the chair, covered by a pale white gown. She starts to sit up, and as she looks around, she notices Meredith sitting beside her.

Lexie almost jumps, she'd forgotten her sister has every stayed. Even though she'd been out for the exam, Lexie was grateful to know that someone had been there, even if it wasn't Mark. _Mark._

Lexie looks around, glancing out the small window by the door.

"He's talking to Dr. Lighton," Meredith tells her, noticing her roaming eyes. Lexie nods; her ears strain to pick up the muted conversation between Dr. Lighton and her boyfriend, but they're too far away and it's useless to try.

"Want me to help you up?" Meredith asks, moving to Lexie's side.

"Sure," Lexie replies, her eyes still on the two figures just outside of earshot.

...

"Those were some contractions," Dr. Lighton informs him, all business. "She'll most likely be getting cramps too, which might hurt for a while."

Mark nods, glancing over the woman's shoulder to see his girlfriend being helped up and back behind the curtain to change back into her clothes. Once she's out of eyesight, his eyes flick back to the doctor, icy-blue as always.

"So it'll…It'll be painful?" Mark asks hesitantly.

Dr. Lighton gives him an sympathetic look, and lays a comforting hand on his arm momentarily. "Dr. Sloan—"

"Mark," he corrects her automatically. She looks at him, waiting. "After…After this, you should be able to call me by my first name," he explains quietly. Dr. Lighton nods.

"All right, Mark. I'm not going to sugarcoat things. I don't like to lie and I know you wouldn't appreciate it anyway. It will be painful, yes. She might experience bleeding for days, maybe even a week. There will probably be some cramping, but I don't think she'll be experiencing anymore contractions—those don't usually occur after the miscarriage itself."

Mark nods. "Is there," he clears his throat. "Is there something I can do? To help her?"

Dr. Lighton gives him a sad smile. "There is a lot you can do," she replies. "For the physical pain, you can pick up medication at the pharmacy. For the emotional pain…" She pauses, meeting his eyes, making sure he hears all that she's saying. She's seen too many shell-shocked husbands and boyfriends after appointments like these, and it's never good to block out everything around you, even though it might be easier.

"For the emotional pain," she continues once he meets her gaze, "you just need to be there for her. If she wants to talk, talk. If she wants to cry, let her cry." She replaces her hand on his arm again. "Just be there for her when she needs you."

Mark nods, glancing back to see if Lexie's ready. As he sees her emerge, fully-clothes, from behind the curtain, he thanks the doctor.

"Of course," Dr. Lighton replies. "Be sure to call me if you have any questions, okay?"

Mark nods, meeting Meredith and Lexie as they exit the exam room. Dr. Lighton stops to speak with Lexie for a minute as Mark pulls Meredith aside.

…

"I'm going to take her home," Mark tells Meredith. "Could you tell the Chief—"

"I've got it," Meredith replies, her eyes meeting his as all her unspoken condolences rest at the tip of her tongue. She's about to say something when Derek walks up.

"Mark, I am _so_—" Derek starts to say, only to fall silent as Mark gestures at him to stop talking.

"It's fine," he replies automatically. The last thing he needs is Derek's pity—he really can't take it right now. His own is enough. "I'll—I'll see you tomorrow," he tells the pair before walking back over to meet Lexie and head home. Meredith stands beside Derek, watching them go, and having no idea how to explain this to Dr. Webber.

…

As expected, there are stares as their fellow doctors, nurses, and interns see Mark Sloan, resident playboy, leave with Lexie Grey, the quiet and shy intern. Some people actually _stop _walking when they see the two leave together, while others keep working as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. If this were just a normal day, Mark and Lexie would walk out of the hospital annoyed, maybe even a bit embarrassed on Lexie's part, at the gawkers. But with all that had transpired in the last couple of hours, neither one gave a damn what their coworkers were looking at.

Lexie simply ignored them, and Mark did his best to comfort her. As they walked from the elevator out the front doors in the middle of the day, he did his best not to notice or care what anyone thought of them together. After all, people had been talking about him for years; it was nothing new. But with Lexie…With her added to the equation, everything seemed so much more personal. Unconsciously, he wraps an arm protectively around her waist, pulling her closer to him as they leave the hospital premises.

"It'll be okay," he murmurs to her as they leave. Lexie just nods, her eyes trained ahead. Mark pulls her closer despite her emotional distance, and in some part of her brain, Lexie's grateful for this. It's just not a part that she has access to right now.

The ride back to their apartment is short and silent. Mark glances over to his girlfriend every few minutes, but he's at a loss for what to say just as much as she is.

…

**Review please, and tell me what you think!**

**(Again, sorry if the medical stuff is inaccurate.)**


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 3:**

**Author's Note: This one's rather short, sorry about that, but I hope you like it anyway.**

"Lex?" Mark calls a half hour later. "I heated up some leftovers if you want any." He pauses, waiting to hear her response or the sound of her feet moving across the floor. "Lex?" He calls again, moving through the apartment to find her. When he locates her, she's sitting on the couch, holding a flimsy piece of paper in her hand.

"Oh, sweetheart," he murmurs, crossing the room quickly to sit with her as he notices the tears on her face. "Lex," he says, pulling her into a tight hug.

"He…He _died,_ Mark," she whispers, voice cracking, as she wraps her arms around his back as well, leaving the picture on the table. Her eyes look to it as she buries her face in his shoulder.

"I know," he whispers, holding her tight. "I know."

…

_"I bet you it's a girl," Mark tells her, heading up to the Obstetrics wing of the hospital. Lexie rolls her eyes; they've had this conversation before._

_"I'm not betting with you over the sex of our baby," Lexie replies._

_"Aw, come on, it'd be fun!" He grins. "Don't you want to see who wins?"_

_"I'll win. I always win."_

_"Oh, do you now?"_

_"Yes."_

_"You wanna put some money on that? Get some self-assurance?" Mark asks, nudging her with his elbow. Lexie just smiles, opening the door to their exam room._

_"Fine," she concedes after a minute. "If you __**really **__want to—"_

_"Yes! Okay, you take boy, cause I already know it's gonna be a girl."_

_"All right, then," she replies, holding out her hand. "Twenty bucks?"_

_"Twenty bucks," he affirms, shaking her hand._

…

_"Okay, the ultrasound picture is printing…Do you want to know the sex?" The technician asks._

_"Yes," Mark replies quickly before Lexie can speak. The technician glances over, looking to her for verification._

_"Sure," she smiles._

_"Okay." The technician turns to face them. "You're having a boy."_

_"Ha-ha! Yes," Lexie calls out as Mark groans, passing her twenty bucks. The technician eyes them, confused._

_"You…__**bet**__ on the sex of your baby?" She asks slowly._

_"Oh, he made me," Lexie replies casually, glancing to her. She turns to Mark, grabbing his hand to help herself get up. "And you still lost."_

_"No, I still win," he replies with a smile, kissing her forehead lightly. He winks at the technician, who just shakes her head at the two, cleaning up her supplies._

…

"Do you want something to eat?" Mark asks a few minutes later, as her tears subside and she pulls away. "There are some leftovers in the kitchen," he tells her, wiping away her remaining tears with his thumbs.

"Sure," she replies, taking a deep breath and standing up. Mark follows her into the kitchen, depositing the food onto two plates. She doesn't eat much, but Mark can't blame her. He'd barely touched his food—he was too busy watching her, making sure that she was at least all right for the time being. A few minutes later, Lexie leaves in silence to take a shower as Mark cleans up the dishes.

About fifteen minutes later, Lexie steps out of the shower and grabs a towel to dry off her body and hair. Though she knows she shouldn't, she can't help studying her body for any differences. Of course there aren't any, but what strikes Lexie the most is that her baby bump is still there. She'd hadn't really thought about it before, but now that she saw it again, she'd half-expected it to disappear when there was no longer a baby inside her. Sure, it's small and almost non-existent…But she can still see it. Taking a deep breath and mentally ordering herself to pull it together, Lexie puts on her bathrobe and heads back out into the kitchen.

She doesn't hesitate, but simply walks up to Mark and wraps her arms lightly around his torso. He puts away the dishes and turns around in her arms to face her. He tilts his head towards her, looking more tired than she'd even seen him.

"Hey," she murmurs, leaning into his body.

"Hi," he replies, placing his hands on her waist. He looks down at her, closing his eyes for a moment. They stand there together for a few minutes, both lost in sorrow and thought, before Mark speaks, his voice breaking the silence gently. "Do you want to go to bed?"

Lexie nods, and they head towards the bedroom, walking slowly. They each change into their pajamas without speaking, and then slip into bed together. Mark holds her without having to be asked, keeping her body flush against his, and tries not to remember that there once used to be a small person between them. He tries not to remember those moments where they both stared downward at her body, their faces full of smiles and their minds full of hope.

But of course, that's impossible.

Even hours later, he can still feel her silent sobs wrack through her body, and he hugs her closer. Neither of them has fallen soundly asleep, they simply drift in and out of conscious and unconsciousness. Whether he's awake or asleep, Mark's comforting hands never leave the purchase of her skin, and she's grateful for this. If she had to do this alone, if he'd left…But Lexie stops right there. Even before she'd lost the baby, she was sure of his commitment. In a part of her mind, she'd always been sure he'd stay beside her…She was just too worried to note it as a reality—too nervous, really.

…

_"Hey, I was thinking," Mark says, unbuttoning his shirt and grabbing his pajamas from the drawer. "That with us…living together and having a baby…" Lexie glances up to him from the bed. "That we should think about…" He looks down, pulling on a t-shirt. "I don't know, uh, making things more…official?"_

_It's dead silent in their apartment for a few minutes as his tentative offer sinks into Lexie's brain._

_"Are…Are you asking me to…__**marry**__ you?" Lexie asks hesitantly, propping herself up to look him in the eye._

_"Well, I just…" He lifts a hand to the back of his neck, rubbing there nervously. "Being pregnant and all…Isn't that the…the thing to do?"_

_Lexie almost laughs at his choice of words, but manages to restrain herself. The last thing she wants to do is make him feel bad for caring about her. Instead she gets up and walks over to him. "Mark, look…I love you. And you love me. And we're having a __**baby**__." Her eyes turn questioning, almost pleading, as she whispers: "Do we really need to get married on top of everything else?"_

_He plasters his characteristic smirk to his face quickly, shrugging the rejection to the side. "Too much?" He asks in a forced joking tone._

_"A bit," she replies, kissing him quickly before stepping away. She studies him for a moment, though, worried that he took in the wrong way. "Mark, hey." He looks over to her. "I love you, okay?" He nods. "I just…" She shrugs, smiling nervously. "Marriage is a lot, you know?"_

"_Yeah." She turns around, and he watches her as she resumes her spot under the covers. _If she won't say yes now, I'll just keep trying_, he thinks, meeting her within the sheets._ It's never too late to marry the woman you love, if you have enough persistence. _And if there were one word that could be used to describe Mark Sloan, it would be persistent._

…

And that's what he was now: _persistent_. He was persistent in the way he wouldn't let her out of his sight, not even to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night because the bleeding had started again. He was persistent in the way he held her while she cried, even when she turned her back on him. On the way he never let go of her hand even though Lexie was sure she was cutting off his circulation when she gripped his hand in panic and desperation during the night. He was persistent in the way that even though he did shed tears, he never broke down—not in front of her.

There was a moment though, in that place between slumber and waking, where Lexie almost thought she heard him crying in earnest. She rustled in bed, her eyes adjusting to the small light leaking out from the bathroom, as she heard the muffled sounds of someone weeping. But a moment later it was all gone, and Mark's arms were around her again—almost as if nothing had happened.

Almost.

...

**Author's Note: Sorry it was so short; I'll update soon. Please review and tell me what you think!**


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER 4:**

**Author's Note: Thanks for all the reviews, guys, they're all very warmly received. Hope you enjoy this chapter too. :)**

_Tuesday, April 12th_

_6 AM._

When they woke, both Mark and Lexie were relieved to find the other in their arms. Neither spoke of what had happened during the night, but each knew that it was in the forefront of the other's mind. Mark was, once again, too worried to let her out of his sight. And Lexie was determined to leave him alone to deal with whatever emotional release he needed to have without an audience. If he really didn't want her to know about it, she'd let him have his secret—as long as he dealt with it.

"Do you want to take time off?" Mark asks quietly as they lie together. "I can talk to the Chief."

"No, it's…It's okay," Lexie tells him. "I should go back."

"Lex…"

"Mark, I'll be okay. I'm fine," she replies, getting up and walking to the dresser, pulling open drawers left and right. Mark sighs, following after her. He comes to a halt right behind her, taking her hands within his and wrapping his arms around her body to still her movements.

"You're not fine, Lex." She turns around to look at him. "I'm not either," he continues. She glances down—she can't keep those small sprouts of guilt from growing and flowering in the space of her brain when she hears him admit things like this.

Logically, she knows this isn't her fault. There wasn't anything she could have done to prevent losing the baby. There was no way they could have foreseen it. But still…Every time she looked into his saddened eyes, she felt the guilt pierce through.

"And you can't just back into work like nothing happened," he continues, breaking through her thought process. "You barely slept last night, sweetheart. You can't go into work like this." She looks down, nodding ever so slightly. He breathes a sigh of relief. "So you'll stay home?" He asks.

Lexie raises her eyes to his. Initially, she wants to say no. She wants to say she can handle herself, thank you very much, and she doesn't need to be a girl and take time off. She wants to say if he's going, she can go, there's no difference between them. …But what stops her isn't her pride…It's the look in his eyes. The look that tells her that he needs this just as much—if not more—than she does. He needs to know that she's safe. He needs to know that she's in a place where no one can hurt her, and nothing bad can happen. And though that is extremely unrealistic and just plain absurd…Lexie knows that this is what he needs right now. He needs to believe—for once—that she's safe at home. And Lexie's willing to do that for him.

After all, what _hadn't _he done for her?

Since the very start of their relationship, he'd been nothing but ideal. Sure, he'd pushed her away in the beginning, but that made sense. He was conflicted, torn—could he choose this off-limits girl he'd been compelled to sleep with, having felt an unusual connection to over his _best _friend? He'd stuck by her side through everything—even when he didn't have to. He could have simply stuck to the idea that it wouldn't happen again. But he didn't. He, along with her, took a chance, and gave what they had a shot. He'd taken it all their problems in stride, and, though they wanted to keep it quiet, he continued to live their life together as if nothing was out of the ordinary. That meant everything to her, so Lexie knew she owed him at least this much.

…

"Grey," the Chief calls, walking towards Meredith and Derek, who are standing by the OR board.

"Yes?" Meredith asks, glancing up.

"Have you seen you sister? She was supposed to be here twenty minutes ago and she hasn't come in yet." His brow furrows. "I can't remember the last time she missed work…" He trails off as Meredith and Derek look at each other. In all the shock and confusion of yesterday afternoon, they'd completely forgotten to speak to the Chief. "Oh, and Shepherd," Richard continues, noticing Derek standing beside her and turning to him. "Do you know where Sloan is? He's got a burn reconstruction in a half hour, he should be here by now…"

Just as Derek was about to speak, to tell the Chief that he doubts either of them will be here today, he sees Mark walking down the hall. Derek feels an unexpected rush of sympathy for his friend at this moment—Derek's never seen him look so exhausted, so aged.

"Ah, Sloan," the Chief calls before Derek can say anything. Mark looks up when he hears his name, and heads towards the Chief. Despite his obvious fatigue, Mark is dressed in his usual navy blue scrubs, complete with his white coat and his stethoscope hanging around his neck. "You're here."

"Yeah, sorry, had a late start," he replies, his eyes flitting quickly to Meredith and Derek's before returning to Richard.

"Your patient is in room 322," the Chief tells him, passing him a chart and gesturing down the hall. Mark nods, meeting his friend's eyes quickly before heading down the hall.

"Chief, I don't think it's such a good idea to put him into surgery—" Derek begins as soon as Mark's out of earshot.

"Why not? He's fine. He looks a little worse for the wear, sure, but he probably just lost a couple hours' sleep…"

"He, um…" Meredith starts, only to fall silent under the Chief's intimidating stare.

"He what? What'd he do that should cause him not to go into surgery today?"

"It's not what he did," Derek replies slowly.

"Then what is it? Will you two stop being so damn cryptic for once and just tell me what's going on?"  
Derek glances to his wife. "I think you should talk to Callie," Meredith replies.

"I don't have time for this," Richard grumbles, walking away before running right into the woman they were just talking about. "Dr. Torres!"  
"Oh, sorry, Chief, I was just taking supplies back to storage and I…What?" She asks, noticing Meredith and Derek pointing enthusiastically to the Chief. Meredith walks over, hoping Callie will be able to explain everything to the Chief.

"Mark's got a surgery," Meredith tells her. "We thought you should be the one to tell the Chief why that's a bad idea."

Callie sighs, glancing to Derek and then back to Meredith before facing the Chief. "Fine," she sighs, turning to face Richard. "Can we talk in your office?"

…

"You can't let him operate, sir," Callie starts, speaking from her chair in front of the Chief's desk before he's even had the chance to sit down.

"And why is that?"

Callie exhales, looking down. "Because he just lost a son," she replies, her saddened eyes meeting Richard' shocked ones.

"A…_son_? Ex—excuse me?"

"I overheard before—you were wondering why Lexie Grey isn't at work today?" Dr. Webber nods slowly, not seeing the connection. "I called her in sick as a favor to Mark."

"Dr. Torres, what are you trying to say here?"

"I'm saying that she's the one who lost his baby." Dr. Webber's face contorts even more with confusion and disbelief.

"Lexie _Grey_?" He asks, voice rising, thinking this is a joke. "And Sloan…"

"They've been dating for half a year, living together for five months, and she's been pregnant since the beginning of January," Callie rattles off quickly as the Chief leans back in his chair, taking this in. There's silence in the room all of this information registers with the Chief of Surgery.

"And you're sure about this?"

"Positive, sir, I live in the same building, right across the hall."

…

_"Shh!" Callie hears a female voice whisper loudly from the other side of the door, accompanied by the sounds of a couple embracing and laughing. "You'll wake people up!"_

_"Who cares?" A male voice answers, bemused. _Of course, _Callie thinks, rolling her eyes—she could tell Mark's voice anywhere. She can practically see the smirk on his face. Callie crosses the room to open the door and tell him to keep it down, but is surprised at what she finds._

_"Look, Mark, can you keep it—" Callie starts before she's stopped abruptly by what she sees. Her eyes immediately fall on a now-blushing Lexie Grey, whose hands have fallen off of Mark's face as if they'd been shocked. The younger Grey steps away immediately, biting her lip as her eyes fly between the two friends. "…Down," Callie finishes, her eyes moving to appraise Mark. He looks down immediately, closing his eyes momentarily. He knew this would happen sometime._

_"Can I talk to you for a minute?" Callie asks after a silent minute, trying to stay polite. Mark raises his eyes to her—she can see the question in them. When Callie just stares at him, Mark sighs, glancing back to Lexie._

_ "Can you give us a sec, Lex?" He asks, turning to her._

_ "Uh, right, sure," she replies, holding his gaze for a minute before taking the key he offers to her and disappearing into his apartment. He turns to face Callie, a half-embarrassed half-guilty expression on his face. Callie stands with her hands on her hips, sighing. Once the door closes behinds Lexie, she starts in on him._

_ "**Really**, Mark? This is still about Meredith's little sister?" He's about to speak when she continues. "I thought was just that **once**," she reminds him before throwing him a sour look. "Or, at least, that's what you told **me**."_

_ "Callie, it's not like that," Mark protests._

_ "Oh, really?" She asks, crossing her arms over her chest and throwing him a disapproving look. "Then tell me what it's like."_

_ "We're dating," Mark replies without hesitation. Callie arches an eyebrow._

_ "That didn't look like dating."  
"Just because we're sleeping together doesn't mean it's not serious," he replies. Callie pauses, digesting this. '_Serious'_…she thinks_

_ "Mark," she starts slowly as thing begin to click into place for her. "How long has this been going on?"_

_ Mark sighs, running a hand across his forehead. "A coupe weeks," he admits quietly._

_ "A couple…**weeks**!" Callie repeats in disbelief. "And you…what, didn't think to tell me?"  
"Well—"_

_ "**You—Mark Sloan—**have been in a **serious **relationship with a woman for **weeks **and you didn't think to tell **me**?" Callie asks incredulously, pointing to him and then herself. "Your **best **friend?"  
"Well, Derek's more of my best friend," Mark jokes, smirking. He knew this was bound to happen eventually—especially when he and Lexie started coming to Mark's apartment more and more since he'd left the hotel behind—but he'd expected Callie to take it harder than this. He'd expected her to be more judgmental._

_ "You told **Derek**?" Callie asks, surprise elevating her tone._

_ "What? God, no, I didn't tell Derek," Mark replies quickly. "Are you crazy? He'd kill me."  
Callie nods. "So you're…what? Hiding from him?"_

_ "Kind of," Mark admits, realizing how juvenile that sounds._

_ "You two going to tell them sometime soon?"  
"Uh…I don't know. We're not…We haven't really…talked about it," Mark admits as Callie rolls her eyes._

_ "Of course. What else should I expect?"_

_ Mark grins, seeing through her words. "Well, I'm happy you're not pissed," he replies after a moment. Callie smiles at him. "And I'm hoping you won't say anything to Derek…" He trails off as Callie nods._

_"Sure," she assures him. Mark looks at her gratefully before glancing behind him. "Well, I should get back…"_

_ "Right," Callie nods, watching him turn around before heading back to her own apartment. "Keep it down," she replies over her shoulder._

_ "Can't promise anything," Mark calls back before closing the door._

…

The Chief pauses again as he regards the orthopedic surgeon. "Now, I don't mean to sound insensitive—but how is it that I am the last person, to learn about this, while in theory, I should be the first?"

"I was asked to keep it a secret, Chief. They only told Meredith and Derek yesterday. I'm not sure why they never reported their relationship to you or HR, sir. And I don't know how everyone else found out, but this is Seattle Grace, and news—even bad news—travels fast."

"Hm."

"The point is, Dr. Webber, he just lost a baby and I'm not totally convinced he should be anywhere near a scalpel right now," Callie tells him quickly, knowing Mark would _kill _her if he knew what she was saying. "He wouldn't admit it, but I don't think he's completely okay. Not yet, at least."

"I see," Richard replies evenly, though still thoroughly taken aback.

…

"Look, Meredith, I'm fine," Mark tells her. She's been trying to stop him from getting to his patient for the last ten minutes and it's really starting to annoy him. "Will you just get out of—"

"Mark, you _can't _be fine," Meredith cuts in, crossing her arms. "Lexie's not even at work today and you—"

"Lexie's not at work because I _asked _her to stay home," Mark informs Meredith in an undertone. "As for me, I can—"

"Sloan," Richard calls out, walking towards him with Callie on his tail.

"Yes, sir?" Mark asks, turning towards him.

"You're not operating," he replies, taking the chart out of Mark's hands.

"_What_? Why not? I just need some coffee, I'll be fine," Mark says, looking shocked and confused, before he sees Callie come in behind the Chief. "Callie…" He warns darkly.

"Mark, I _had_ to," Callie defends herself, stepping forward. "Coffee won't fix this, and you know that."

"This wasn't your call," he tells her, eyes flashing.

"Mark, you _made_ it my call. You know you can't go into surgery like this—it's been _one _day. If Lexie were here—"

Mark's eyes flash and his voice is threatening. "Callie, _don't."_

"She wouldn't want you operating either, and you know that." Callie eyes soften as she lowers her voice. "Mark, why are you fighting this?"  
"I'm not fighting anything."

"Mark…"

"I need to operate, Callie," he tells her, his voice turning desperate now. "I need some normalcy, here. Please."

"Sloan, you _aren't_ operating," the Chief calls, drawing himself back into the conversation. "You can round on pre and post ops, but you aren't going into an OR until I'm sure you're ready."  
"Chief Webber—" Mark protests, turning back towards him.

"Don't bother," Richard interrupts. "It's decided. _Go_," he orders. Mark stares at him, furious, for a minute before turning on his heel and heading towards the nurses' station to get his patients' charts.

…

"Hey, Dr. Sloan, you free?" Hunt asks, meeting Mark a few minutes later at the nurses' station. "Robbins and I need you to look at that burn victim from yesterday." Mark stares at him blankly for a minute, trying to remember. Burn victim…

"Her name's Kylie Hyden; she had burns all across her arms last night," Hunt informs the other surgeon with a quizzical look. _Since when did Sloan slack on his patients?_ _Sure, _Owen thinks, _he can be an ass, but he's pretty responsible when it comes to—_

"What room?" Mark asks, needing to bury himself in any type of work he can find.

"Oh, uh, one-thirty-five," Owen replies, leaving his thoughts behind and leading the way to the exam room. "Dr. Robbins should already be there."

…

"Darn, I'm being paged," Arizona groans, carefully editing her language and looking to Kylie and her mother. "It's an emergency, I'm so sorry, Mrs. Hyden. Kylie should be all right for a while—once Dr. Hunt gets here—"

Just as she's about to leave, Owen opens the door, almost running right into Arizona. "Oh, sorry," he says, stepping aside.

"No, no, it's perfect. Mrs. Hyden, I'm sure you remember Dr. Hunt?"

Kylie's mother nods. "And you're…" She trails off, trying to remember Mark's name. He doesn't supply it, opting instead to walk over and begin examining the girl's burns. _The sooner this is over with the better, _he thinks. He previous vigor towards work having disappeared when he remembers that it's a kid he's treating. A _child_. Hunt stares at him for a minute before snapping back to his job.

"Uh, this is Dr. Sloan," Hunt tells her after a pause, catching Arizona's eye worriedly. "I've got this," he tells Arizona, not sure if he means Mark or the patient. "You can go."

"Thanks," Arizona says quickly, glancing once to Mark's back before running off the other ends of the Peds ward.

…

"Thank you," Kylie's mother replies an hour later, smiling at both the doctors for having made Kylie's stay in the hospital much more pain-free. Though he was her daughter's primary doctor, not Hunt, Mark simply nods, stepping away from the woman, the case, and her praise and heading down the hallway. Owen is about to jog after him when Mrs. Hyden's hand holds him back.

"Is he alright?" Kylie's mother asks, pulling Dr. Hunt aside. "He seems kind of…detached," she finishes, trying to pick the right word. "Preoccupied. Don't get me wrong, he took care of Kylie fine, it's just—is he okay?"

"He…" Hunt pauses, glancing to Mark's retreating back, unsure of what to say. "He's just had a…hard few days," Hunt finishes awkwardly, not knowing what to tell the woman.

"He seemed alright when we saw him yesterday," she replies confused, before glancing to the trauma surgeon. "Oh, my, did—did someone die?" Mrs. Ryder asks, eyes wide. She didn't know much about hospital, but she was sure each doctor had their fair share of patient losses. Surprise and disbelief automatically color Hunt's face and the woman immediately backs off.

"Oh, I'm sorry," she says quickly. "I didn't mean to pry…"

"No, no, it's all right. Th—thank you for your concern," Hunt replies. He saying goodbye quickly before heading to the catwalk, a determined look on his face.

…

**Author's Note: Please review and tell me what you think!**


	5. Chapter 5

**_CHAPTER 5:_**

**Author's Note: Be sure to know that this chapter is set a week in the future.**

_Tuesday, April 19th_

_3 PM._

"Chief, there's something I need to talk to you about," Hunt says, walking into Dr. Webber's office.

"Yes, what is it, Dr. Hunt?" Richard asks in a bored tone, his eyes on his paperwork.

"Sloan can't be in the hospital right now," Hunt replies without preamble. "He's a danger to his patients."

"Sloan can take care of himself. And he isn't performing surgery, Hunt, he can't be _that_ much of a danger."

"That doesn't mean he couldn't potentially do more harm that good. He _can't _be here. One of his patient's mothers asked me, point blank, if someone had _died._"

The Chief sighs, running a hand over his brow. He'd really thought that Sloan would be all right. Sure, he'd take the loss just like anyone else…But out of his whole hospital staff, Richard thought that Mark would be the one guy he wouldn't have to worry about.

Apparently not.

"People can tell that he isn't ready to be back here yet," Hunt argues passionately as the Chief's eyes meet his. "Even patients. That isn't good. It isn't _safe_."

"He's our Head of Plastics, Hunt. What am I gonna do, replace him?"

"No. No, of course not. Just—just give him a couple days' leave. Let him work through what's happened without being _here. _Put someone else on his surgeries and post-ops. Trust me, Chief, he shouldn't be here right now." Hunt sighs, looking down as he rests his hands on the back of the chairs in front of the Chief's desk. "If anything, he should be home with Dr. Grey." He raises his eyes to meet Richard's. "He's a liability."

The Chief stares at Owen, sifting through the man's argument before speaking again. His voice is grim, reserved. "This is very out of line, Dr. Hunt."

"Chief, I was with him on the same case three times this week. I know he can't be here. I—I was going to come to you last Tuesday, but I…" He pauses, trying to clear his head.

...

_Last Tuesday_

_"Hey, I'm back. How's Kylie?" Arizona asks, meeting Owen on the catwalk._

_ "Uh, she's fine," Hunt replies, distracted._

_ "Hey, what's up? You look weird."_

_ "It's—it's…" Hunt sighs, looking down and then meeting the Peds surgeon's eyes. "Have you noticed anything…**different** about Sloan?"_

_ Arizona looks at him as if he's crazy, and pulls him aside. "You do know what happened, don't you?"_

_ "No, no, of course I do…It's just…He seems a little lost. Disconnected."  
"Well, of course he is," Arizona reasons, her annoyance bubbling. "I've seen plenty of parents where he is now. He lost a child, Hunt. That pain isn't going to go away because he **has** to come back at work. It isn't going to disappear because the sun **happened** to rise the next day!"_

_ Owen nods at her sentiments, but seems to be ignoring her impassioned words. "I think I'm going to go talk to the Chief," he says, continuing on his path to Dr. Webber's office._

_ "Hunt, **don't**," Arizona orders, grabbing his arm with surprising strength. _

_ "Arizona, you didn't see him in there. He can't be around patients like that."_

_ "You can't tell on him to the Chief," Arizona replies. "It's grief; everyone deals with it. He'll figure it out."_

_ "He doesn't need to figure it out **here**."  
"Where else is he supposed to be?" Arizona asks with a mocking laugh._

_ "At **home," **Hunt replies seriously. "He shouldn't have come back this soon. Dr. Grey isn't back today; why is he?"  
"Maybe because he's the head of a whole **department, **Hunt. He can't just leave. She's an intern. She can take leave without one of the branches of the hospital falling down."_

_ "They can manage without him. And I'm sure Richard will make an exception," Hunt replies, shrugging her arm off and heading to the catwalk._

_ "Stop it!" Arizona tells him firmly, grabbing onto his arm yet again._

_ "Dr. Robbins, the Chief needs to know about this. Let go of my arm to I can talk to him."_

_ "No, **Dr. Hunt**, I will not let go of your arm. The Chief does not need to hear about this. You don't need to go. This isn't your matter."_

_ "Well, if I don't go, who will, hm?" Owen crosses his arms. "I doubt you'd go, or Torres, or, god forbid, **Shepherd.** Just because we all know and feel for him, doesn't mean we get to write him a pass. If we make mistakes here, people will **die**. He knows that, and he needs to face the fact that his personal life is affecting his work life—affecting his **patients."**_

_ "His **personal **life?" Arizona asks, her voice raising an octave as her disapproval and shock lace her tone. "I'm sorry, since when do you consider losing a **baby **your **personal **life, Hunt?"_

_ "Arizona—"_

_"So he was reserved with one patient," Arizona cuts in. "That doesn't mean he will be with the rest! Kylie's a rare occurrence for someone in his line of work. Plastic surgeons don't usually treat anyone below eighteen, let alone a **child**."_

_ "It doesn't matter who he does or doesn't treat on a regular basis," Hunt shoots back. "He should be able to act accordingly—"_

_ "He just lost **his** child, Hunt!" Arizona shouts. "You don't think case like this was** a little **too soon?"_

_"I didn't hear you telling him to back off or assign another surgeon," Hunt remarks._

_ "That's because I was respecting his **privacy** and giving him a chance to either take the case or not. It would have been understandable for him to pass it off to anther doctor. I would have gotten it." She sighs angrily, glaring at the trauma surgeon. __"You must not have a lot of experience with sick kids, huh? Well, I do. It's my **job. **I deal with them all the time, I fight for them all the time, and I watch them **die ALL THE TIME.**"_

_"Arizona—" Hunt tries to interrupt again, but she ignores him._

_ "And more than that, I deal with devastated parents. I deal with parents who's only child has just died—a child who they've spent the last months or even **years **of their life trying to protect and trying to heal. Children who they've dedicated their lives to saving. Just because you lose a child and you come into work the next day doesn't mean you're healed. And even if it is Mark Sloan, you don't get to write off the fact that he lost a child as him having a **personal **life and taking it hard. Yes, I know it comes as a shock, seeing as you haven't known about or witnessed that part of his or Lexie Grey's life as it progressed, but trust me when I say that their relationship **is **real. Their **pain **is real. You don't get to ignore things because you don't want to **face them**, Hunt. You should know that better than anyone," she snaps, her eyes blazing._

_"And what's the supposed to mean?" Hunt asks, his voice menacing.__ Arizona glares at him again before speaking._

_ "You think your PTSD didn't affect your work? You think it didn't affect how you acted around fellow doctors, even patients? Did you ever stop to think about that?"_

_ Hunt just stares at her, mouth slightly agape._

_ "You ever think about the amount of people you could have hurt? Did you ever try to work through your problems, or did you pretend like everything was fine? Did you ever stop and think—just for two seconds—that he might be going through pain similar to what you went through? Did you ever think that maybe he's trying to get through it just as you got through your PTSD? Did you ever stop to think that maybe you're being a damn **hypocrite**?"_

_ Hunt glares at her for a minute before opening his mouth. "It doesn't change the fact that he could hurt people. He **will **hurt people—if he doesn't deal with this."_

_ "Too bad no one ever said that to you," Arizona snaps. Owen's eyes immediately widen, stunned at her words. She shakes her head at him, exhaling loudly. "I sincerely have **no** idea how Christina puts up with you."_

_ Hunt glares at her again, the fury clear on his face, before wrenching his arm from her grasp. He stands, staring at her, before brushing by her and heading back to the surgical floor._

_… _

Hunt clears his throat, remembering where he is. "I was going to come to you last Tuesday," he continues. "But I waited. I waited because… Because I _knew_ you'd dismiss my claims without any proof. Well," he says, passing the chief a chart, "I have proof."

The Chief takes the chart with a wary look at Hunt. They sit in silence for a minute while Richard examines the chart. His mouth turns downward into a frown ever so slightly as he notices what's wrong. Mark had incorrectly labeled the amount of drugs to administer to a patient—so much so that if Owen hadn't caught the mistake there would have been serious consequences for both the doctor and the patient.

"The only reason I saw that error was because I _checked_," Hunt tells him softly. "I was worried about him, and I wanted to make sure there was actually something he was doing wrong before I came to you." Hunt sighs. "He needs to take some time off, to get his head on straight."

"That is _one _mistake, Hunt," Richard replies amid Owen's protests. "Though it was a _serious_ mistake, it's not enough to put my best plastic surgeon on leave for an unknown amount of time!" The Chief tells him loudly. "Everyone makes mistakes."

Owen hands him six other patient's charts in silence, all with similar mistakes. They range from the prescription of incorrect medicines to the omission of medicine or treatments at all—as if Mark had simply forgotten to do so. "Everyone does makes mistakes," Owen agrees, his voice calming down. "But this is a little more serious than that, don't you think?"

The Chief sighs, rubbing his brow tiredly "Give him a few days, Hunt. Let's just see if he's alright."

"We _have_ given him a few days. Richard, you know as well as I that that won't work. What if something happens between then and now? What if someone gets hurt because of his neglect?"  
"Who says he's neglecting his patients?"  
"Chief," Hunt sighs, shaking his head. He looks to the stack of papers. "If there's no one here to check on him, it's _going _to happen."

"Hunt, you can't be sure."

"We can't take this chance," Owen replies heatedly. "I know better than anyone else that he's a time bomb waiting to explode, all right? I've seen it before. He can't be here—practicing medicine—right now. It isn't safe. He's a liability."

…

"Mark, you have made this worse by trying to hide what you're feeling," Callie tells him, trying to get him to listen to reason as she stands beside him by the OR board. "You can't just ignore all this. You can't stay here all the time—it _won't fix things._"

"I'm not here all the time," Mark replies, annoyed. "I was home last night."

"For _six hours_," Callie replies. "And from what I hear, all you did was sleep."

Mark's eyes fly to hers. "You've been talking to Lexie," he accuses.

"No, _she _has been talking to _me_," Callie corrects him. "She's worried about you, Mark." Callie's voice softens as she holds his gaze to make sure he's listening. "So much so that she's come to talk to me—multiple times—about it. You need to talk to her. You can't just go to work and assume she'll be okay by herself all day."

"She isn't," Mark replies. "But there isn't another alternative. What am I supposed to do? Let her try and come back? Newsflash, Callie, she did that on her own. And it didn't go so well."

…

_Last Wednesday_

_Mark opens the door to the apartment, calling Lexie's name. After being on Kylie Hyden's case for two days in a row, he really just wanted to be with her, to lie around in silence for a while, and not think. But when he calls her name again and receives only silence, he can tell she's not there. He walks through the apartment anyway, checking if she's fallen asleep anywhere. When he doesn't find her, he tries her cell, but she doesn't answer. He searches through the apartment again, this time to see if she left a note anywhere or if there are any appointments on the calendars. There aren't. He calls Callie, but hangs up before she answers. _She wouldn't have seen Lexie anyway, since she's on-call,_ Mark thinks, trying to figure out where his girlfriend might be._

_ He's about to go to Meredith's when he hears a key turn in the lock about fifteen minutes later. She enters the apartment quietly, not bothering to say anything as she tries not to dwell on what just happened._

_ "Oh, thank god," Mark calls, striding quickly across the apartment to her. He usually wouldn't worry if she wasn't home on time, but after the baby… "I thought you'd—I thought…" He trails off, noticing for the first time the state she's in—tears streaming down her face, reddened eyes and cheeks. "Lex? Are you—What happened to you?"_

_ "I…" She starts, only to fall into his arms as her voice cracks and disappears amid her sobs. He hugs her tightly, his mind moving quickly as his hands rub soothing circle on her back. What could have happened? Did she get a call from the obstetrician, giving them even more bad news? A minute later, she pulls back, putting some distance between them and wiping her face hurriedly before meeting his eyes._

_ "I—I tried to go back. To go to w—work. And I got," she sniffs, wiping her eyes quickly with the back of her hand again. "I got to the front door. That's as far as I got. I—I couldn't go back," she admits, humiliated. "Not there. Not yet. I keep seeing—**I can't**."_

_ "Shh, hey, Lex, it's **okay**," Mark tells her, moving closer. "You don't need to go back right now. You can wai—"_

_ "I need to go back!" She interrupts, her voice desperate and frustrated at her own inability. "Where else am I supposed to be? I need to go back; it's where I belong!"_

_ Mark's eyes fill with sorrow at her voice, hoarse and clogged from tears. "I know, baby," he murmurs, looking into her eyes. "I know. But this…This might take a while. It might be a week or so before you feel ready to go back. Maybe more. Maybe…Maybe you should wait," he suggests hesitantly, his tone making the sentence more of a question than a statement. "Maybe you should stay away from the hospital for a few days…"_

…

"It's not about getting her back to work," Callie argues. "It's about getting her healthy again. Getting you _both_ healthy again," Callie emphasizes, looking at him pointedly.

"I'm perfectly healthy," Mark replies. "I haven't been sick in months."

"Shut up, Mark. You know that's not what I'm talking about." She meets his gaze. "This is affecting you just as much as it's affecting her."

"It is not," he replies.

"Mark, it _is. _Why don't you believe that?"

"Because it _shouldn't_!" He yells, gathering attention of the surrounding nursing and doctoral staff before lowering his voice. "Yes, it _should _affect her," Mark explains, struggling to keep his voice below a whisper. "Because she _lost _our son. She _lost _him," Mark repeats, staring into his best friend's eyes. "But me, I…I didn't lose anything, Callie." His eyes turned pained. "Not physically. She—She's the one who _lost_ him, and I just…I was just _there_," he tells her, his voice breaking. "This is her loss, not mine. She's—this affects her. Not me."

"Mark," Callie says softly, putting a hand on his shoulder, her heart breaking for him,. "He's your son, too. He always will be. And you lost him. I wish you didn't, I _really _wish you didn't…But you did." She looks him in the eye. "This isn't just _her_ loss—it's yours, too."

"I know that," he replies automatically, his face now cleared of emotion, his voice even.

"Yes, I know you do," Callie says with a sad smile, noting how quickly he can hide what he's really feeling. If he works this hard to disguise it at work, Callie can only imagine what Lexie's dealing with on a regular basis. "And you feel it too. But you won't _admit it. _Not to yourself and not to her. And you _need _to. I don't think she knows that you feel this way and she _needs to. _She _needs _to, Mark."

"No." Mark's tone is final and adamant. "I'm not doing that to her, Callie. She doesn't need to know—she doesn't deserve that and I'm not doing that to her. I'm not—I'm not hurting her like that. I love her."

Callie gives him a small smile. "I know you love her, Mark. I know. Which is why you need to be honest with her. You _cannot _keep acting like this doesn't affect you. You can't let your feelings stay inside, bottled up."

"No, what I can't do is tell her. It's not fair. She—she's—I'm supposed to be _helping_ her, protecting her. I can't talk to her about this, I have to take care of her."

Callie's eyes soften at his determination to keep her safe. If she'd been unsure before, she wouldn't doubt now that he really did love her. "Mark…" Callie sighs. "Mark, she will be okay. You will, too…but you need to face your feelings. Lexie can take care of herself. You need to take care of _you_."

Mark shakes his head. "No. No, I have to help her."

"Mark—"

"This isn't about me, Callie. I've gotta go," he says, running a hand through his hair. He turns around, heading for the pit, and almost runs right into the Chief of Surgery.

"Oh, uh, sorry, Chief," Mark tells him, sidestepping the older man to get away from Callie and that conversation as quickly as possible.

"Dr. Sloan," the Chief calls out before Mark can disappear. Mark curses under his breath before turning slowly and walking back towards Dr. Webber. He makes it a point not to meet Callie's searching gaze.

"Yes?"

"I need to discuss something with you," the Chief informs him. Mark's eyes flit over the Chief's face. _Is his voice always that foreboding? _Mark thinks, knowing he shouldn't have talked to Callie—she always screws with his head. _Does he always look this grim?_

"I think it would be best if you took some time off," Richard suggests, watching the plastic surgeon's face. Mark's eyes immediately widen as they fly to Callie. He knows it's not her fault, though, when he sees that her shock mirrors his own.

"Excuse me?" Mark asks after a few seconds, doing his best to keep his voice level.

"I said I think it would be best—"

"I heard what you said," Mark interrupts impatiently. "Why are you…Why are you doing this?" He asks quietly, his conversation with Callie still churning through his brain. Damn her for making him so freaked out before Richard Webber shows up out of thin air. If she hadn't—

"We think it's best—" the Chief begins.

"'We?'" Mark echoes. "Who's 'we?'"

The Chief glances to his left, and Mark notices Owen Hunt standing there, looking just as grim-faced. And suddenly everything clicks into place. The last seven days in the hospital seem to flash in front of Mark's eyes, and it's like a switch has been turned on—he can see Hunt shadowing him everywhere he goes. _How did I not notice that before? _Mark thinks, his mind flying from one day to the next. _He's been following me all over, making sure I don't slip up…_

"Dr. Hunt brought it to my attention earlier today," the Chief is saying as Mark's eyes bore into Hunt's, "that you've been having trouble adjusting—"

"If this is your way of expressing your sympathy, Hunt," Mark cuts in, seething, "you've done a goddamn great job of it."

"This isn't what this is about," Owen replies evenly.

"Like hell it isn't," Mark snaps angrily, walking up to the trauma surgeon.

"Sloan, I had to," Owen replies, sidestepping the Chief to face Mark. "Kylie Hyden's mother asked me—"

"You had _no _authority to talk to her about what I'm going through, Hunt," Mark growls. "She isn't even a patient! What the _fuck _did you think you were doing telling her—"

"I didn't tell her anything," Hunt replies, keeping his voice level. "She _asked _me what was wrong. I wasn't going to lie to her."

"You didn't _need_ to say anything!" Mark counters angrily. "You _shouldn't _have said anything!"

"_I _wouldn't have had to say anything if you would be able to keep your private and professional lives separate!" Hunt barks.

Mark's eyes blaze at this, and he takes a menacing step towards the trauma surgeon. "**_Excuse_**_ me_?"

"Chief," Callie warns, stepping up behind Mark and looking to the Chief. Richard meets her eye, and moves to step between the trauma and plastic surgeons.

"Mark, come on," Callie mutters, putting a hand on his bicep. He shakes her off roughly, his eyes still trained on Owen.

"You're kicking me out over what, Chief? Not being completely here?" His eyes meet Dr. Webber's for the first time, and they're alive with malice and hate. "I'm sorry my loss was so detrimental to this hospital, Richard, next time I'll get my priorities in order," Mark tells him, sarcasm poisoning his tone.

"Sloan, you know that's not what I meant," Richard replies, taking the place of Hunt as Owen reluctantly steps back from the fight. "It isn't safe for you to be here right now."

"_Safe?_" Mark repeats incredulously."I'm _sorry_, are there any malpractice suits? Any lawyers clamoring for you to fire me? Have I injured any patients?"

Owen and the Chief stay silent. Neither wants to bring up the mistakes in the medical files unless it's needed. They know Mark shouldn't be here right now, and they would tell him if they were in the privacy of an office—but with the nursing staff all around…They couldn't tear down his professional reputation like that, even if it was justified.

"I didn't think so," Mark sneers, misinterpreting their silence. "I'm fine here."

"Not only is behind here and behaving like this irresponsible to this hospital and your patients, but it's just downright _wrong _for yourself and the people you care about," the Chief replies gruffly. "I know what you're dealing with right now is hard, and I sympathize for you. But I can't have you in here if it means you aren't focused on your job. I'm giving you a week—take the time to readjust. Come back when you're sure you can handle it."

"I'm handling it just fi—"

"Sloan," the Chief cuts in loudly, making a few scrub nurses jump at the tone of his voice. "You think you're the only person to deal with this?"

Mark freezes mid-retort. His mouth opens and closes, and his voice comes out a barely-audible whisper. "_What_?"

The Chief glances around, lowering his voice when he sees there's an audience. "You aren't the first person on this planet to lose a child, Dr. Sloan. And you're not the first to pretend like everything's fine. Everything _isn't_. Take time off, go home, and sort through this. _Don't_ come back until you're sure you're ready."

"Look, Chief—"

"This is _not _a discussion," the Chief snaps loudly. "GO. **_NOW_**."

Mark glares at him, nostrils flaring, before turning his back to Dr. Webber and heading down the hall. Richard glances around, noticing the buildup of hospital personnel in the hallway. "Don't you all have work to do?" He yells, causing each doctor to scatter to his or her respective patient.

**Author's Note: Sorry this chapter was kind of short too…It was originally _really _long, but I deicded to split it up into different parts so it was easier to manage. Hope you liked it; please review and leave your thoughts!**


	6. Chapter 6

**CHAPTER 6:**

_6 PM._

Lexie frowns as she hears the door open. She wasn't expecting Meredith for another ten minutes, and she sure didn't give her sister a key. She leaves the kitchen, walking over to see who's by the door. When she realizes it's Mark, her eyebrows furrow, even more confused. "What are you doing back so early? I thought your shift ended at ten."

"I, uh, got some time off," Mark replies, slipping off his jacket and kissing her quickly before walking into the kitchen.

"Time off?" Lexie questions, watching from her position by the door as he opens the fridge. "How'd you get time off?"  
"Well, I, uh, talked to the Chief," Mark replies, his back still to her. "He said I had a week off."

"A _week_?" Lexie asks, thinking he only meant a few hours. "He's letting you go for a _week_? Doesn't he—"

"Hey, we're pretty low on food," Mark interrupts, closing the fridge. "I think I should go out; pick some stuff up."

"What?" Lexie looks at him, bewildered by the sudden change in topics.

"We're a little low on—" His voice catches, noting the ultrasound picture sitting on the corner of the kitchen counter. "Low on food," he continues after a second, clearing his throat.

"Okay," Lexie replies, drawing out the word as she enters the kitchen.

"I'll be back in an hour or so," Mark says, checking his watch. "Are you gonna be…?"

"I'll be fine," she replies, smiling slightly despite his odd behavior. "Meredith was going to come over in a few minutes anyway, so I'll have some 'sister' time with her," Lexie tells him, making air-quotes with her hands.

"Okay," Mark says, not even bothering to wonder why Meredith felt guilty enough as to spend quality time with Lexie.

"Have fun shopping," Lexie tells him, glancing over her shoulder as she heads to the bedroom to change. He nods, pausing as he heads to the door—drawn by what he knows is still sitting on the counter.

"I will," he replies a few minutes too late, snatching the photograph and tucking the picture as well as the memories deep inside the confines of his jacket and heart.

...

A few minutes later, there's a knock a soft, tentative knock at the door. Lexie leaves their bedroom and goes to answer it. She isn't surprised at all when she sees Meredith there.

"Hey," Lexie says, opening the door.

"Hi," Meredith replies, stepping inside as Lexie widens the door before shutting it behind her. Meredith glances around, rather impressed. Though their apartment wasn't large, it was expertly decorated to give the illusion of a larger space. The furnishings and warm colors made the place seem welcoming and happy—_so different from what the owners' lives are like now, _Meredith thinks with a frown. Lexie notices Mer studying the place as she closes the door.

"Is it weird?" She asks gently, moving to stand beside her sister and survey the room. Meredith glances over, confused. "Me and Mark living here together," she explains. "Being together. Is that weird to you?"  
"A bit," Mer admits after a minute. "But I'm okay with it. You guys seem really comfortable together."

"We are," she replies.

"So where is he?" Meredith asks, glancing around. "Mark?"

"Oh, he left a few minutes ago—went to pick some things up from the grocery store."

Meredith nods, walking further into their apartment. "Do you mind…?" She asks, gesturing to the sofa.

"Not at all," Lexie replies, taking a seat on a nearby armchair. Lexie sits silently as Meredith gazes around the room, taking in all the pictures and little personal touches. She smiles faintly at a nearby picture of the pair kissing before turning to her sister.

"So…" Meredith starts, breaking the silence. "When did you guys…?"

"Start dating?" Lexie supplies, noticing her looking at the picture. Her eyes fly unintentionally to the kitchen counter, thinking she'll see the reassuring sight of that small yet priceless picture on the marble surface. Her smile falters when she realizes it's gone. She knows immediately that it hasn't gone missing. She knows who's taken it. _Why isn't he talking to me about this?_

"I was going to say 'sleeping together,' but yeah," Meredith replies in her usual blunt way, bringing Lexie back to reality and easing whatever tension she felt.

"Well, it was about at the same time," Lexie replies easily, looking back to her sister. She thinks back, smiling slightly at all the time they've been together despite the problems they're facing now. "Since October," she says after a moment. Meredith nods.

"And you guys have been, what? Hiding this whole time?"

Lexie gives her a half-smile. "You could say that, yeah. …Can I—can I ask you a question?" Lexie asks hesitantly.

"Sure."

"You and Derek—did you guys ever notice anything? Between Mark and I, I mean?"

Meredith smiles despite herself. "No, not really. Kind of embarrassing, now that you mention it," she says with a chuckle. "I mean, you guys have been together for what—six months? …No, we didn't notice a thing."

"Hm," Lexie replies, smiling as well. It's silent for a few minutes before Lexie speaks again. "You know, when I was about to tell you, I could swear you already knew."

"Nope. I was completely unaware."

"I'm sorry about that, you know. There were so many times when I wanted to tell you, and I just…We're sisters, you know?" Lexie says with a small smile on her face. "I wanted you to know that I was happy. That we had…" She glances away; even though he's been acting off, she still loves him, and she should be able to tell her sister the truth. "What you and Derek have."

Meredith raises her eyebrows, but doesn't refute Lexie's claim. "Well, I wish you would have," Meredith tells her after a moment of silence. Lexie's eyes fly to hers.

"You're only saying that because of the baby," Lexie replies quietly, her voice barely above a whisper.

"No, I'm not." Mer looks at her. "I'm not. If it were, I would say that. But I'm not. Even if you hadn't lost the baby…" Meredith pauses as Lexie averts her gaze. She can tell her sister is struggling not to cry in front of her. "Even if you hadn't lost the baby," Mer continues quietly, "I would have still liked to know that you're happy."  
Lexie takes a calming breath before looking back over. "You would?"

"'Course. And this isn't just the pity talking," she smiles. Lexie lets out a nervous chuckle.

"Right."

The sisters sit in silence for a few more minutes, each lost in their own thoughts before Meredith speaks. "Do you want to talk about it?" She asks softly. "You seem…quiet," Meredith notes. It wasn't often that silence filled the same place Lexie occupied.

"No, I…I don't know." Lexie runs a hand through her hair. "Has…Has Derek spoken to Mark at all?" She asks hesitantly.

"Not that I know of," Mer replies, watching her sister. "Why?"

"Nothing," Lexie sniffs unconvincingly, breaking eye contact.

"Lexie…" Meredith says, noticing her sister looking away.

"He won't talk to me," she replies without preamble. "I just…I try, you know? To get him to talk about the baby. He won't. And I thought, you know, if he wasn't talking to me, maybe he'd talk to Derek. They're best friends. I thought…I don't know. I wish he'd just talk to _someone_."

"Well—"

"And it doesn't need to be me," Lexie continues, ignoring her sister's attempt to cut in. "It doesn't have to be me at all. I just…I'm worried about him. He talked to me—_once_—about his childhood. Once. You know what it's like to live with parents like that, but at least you _talk _about it. You get it off your chest, you don't let it stew…But he just…He lets everything stay pent-up inside of him and I'm worried that if he doesn't _talk _about it, it will just explode one day or another and he'll just…He'll just…" Lexie trails off, not wanting to finish.

"Lexie, I'm sure—I'm sure he's talking to someone." Meredith does her best to assuage her little sister's fears. "Derek hasn't mentioned anything to me, but that doesn't necessarily mean they haven't been talking. If he wasn't speaking to you, maybe he was talking to Callie?"

Lexie shakes her head. "He hasn't. He hasn't talked to anyone. He just goes to work, comes home, goes to bed. It's like we're living in silence, like he's too afraid to say something because I'll…" Lexie sighs, looking to her sister. "I'm not as damaged as everyone thinks I am."

"I know. I get that. But I think you should—Wait, he hasn't said anything about work?"

"What do you mean?" Lexie asks slowly. "Did something happen?"

"Well…" Meredith looks down. "I should probably wait for him to tell you…"

"Meredith, _don't do that. _Tell me what happened," Lexie commands in a surprisingly firm voice. Meredith just sighs.

"Okay, fine. He's back at work, yes, but not quite…_back _yet." She pauses. _Mark really didn't say anything to her? _"He's had a few patients that were…hard for him to deal with."

Lexie's eyes immediately fill with sympathy. "Oh, no, did he lose someone? Oh god, was it his fault? If he—"

"No, no, it's not—it's not that," Meredith cuts in. Lexie takes an audible breath of relief. "Just…There was an accident on Monday, right after…It was a little girl," Meredith explains.

"Oh."  
"And he, well, I'm sure you know what he was going through. He just...You get it, I'm sure. He couldn't be around kids, not without…" She trails off, looking to her sister.

"Not without remembering the one we lost," Lexie murmurs.

"Yeah. So he…" Meredith pauses, unsure if she should really tell Lexie. "The Chief is keeping him out of surgeries," Meredith admits. Lexie's eyes fly to hers. "He told him to either go home or stick to pre and post ops."

"_What_?" Lexie asks sharply. "Why?"

"Why?" Meredith scoffs. "Lexie, are you kidding? He's a _mess_. He can't be around…"

Her voice trails off as Lexie gets up.

"What are you—Where are you going? Lexie?" Meredith calls as her sister disappears down the hall. Meredith follows after her worriedly, not really sure what she said to upset Lexie. Meredith finds her in the bedroom, sitting on the edge of the bed. She glances around, unsure if she should go in or stay out. Lexie makes the decision for her.

"_You_ know," Lexie says quietly, her voice sounding raspy as she tries to contain her emotions. Meredith steps into the room and sits down beside her sister, surveying Lexie's tearful face with a sympathetic eye.

"_You _know he can't be in the hospital. The Chief knows. The rest of the staff probably knows. …I _don't. _Why am I the last person to know?" Lexie looks over to her sister, her voice desperate. "He…He shows everyone but me. He lets everyone know what he's feeling _but me._ Why won't he just talk to me? He won't say _anything_. He won't even…We haven't even _talked _about…" She sniffs, wiping her face hastily. "We haven't even talked about Michael," she mutters, partly to herself. Meredith lays a hand on Lexie's, trying to comfort her sister. Lexie takes a deep breath, sniffing and wiping her tears away again before lightly resting her head on Meredith's shoulder. Meredith leans towards her sister gently, knowing that if Mark isn't helping her, she'll at least need _someone_.

"Is that what you were going to name him?" Meredith asks quietly after a minute. "Michael?"

Lexie nods. "Yeah. We—we decided when we got back from one of the OB appointments."

"It's a good name," Meredith notes.

"It was," Lexie murmurs.

"It is," Meredith corrects gently. "It _is_ a good name."

Lexie lifts her head from her sister's shoulder at this, meeting Meredith's gaze. "Thank you," she says. "I—I didn't meant to…"

"It's okay," Meredith replies. "I get it, trust me."  
Lexie gives her a half-smile. "Okay."

…

Mark opens the door, surprised that Lexie and Meredith are nowhere to be seen.

"Lex?" He calls out, setting the bag of groceries on the counter. Lexie sighs, looking away from her sister to down the hall. Meredith studies her sister, unsure of what to say.

"I've got it," Lexie tells her with a smile as she stands. "I'm fine."

"Okay," Meredith replies, rising to follow her out of the bedroom.

"Hey," Mark says, seeing Lexie come out of the back of the apartment. She gives him a small smile, but stays silent.

"Hi," Meredith says, walking around Lexie.

"Hey, Mer," Mark says. His eyes flit between the two, wondering why Lexie's so quiet.

"Well, I should go," Meredith suggests, breaking the silence. Mark nods, turning to put the groceries away. "I'll talk to you later," she says to her sister. Lexie nods, watching her go before moving into the kitchen.

"I need to talk to you."

"Yeah, what's up?" Mark asks, glancing over to her as he puts orange juice in the fridge.

"You aren't talking to me," Lexie states.

"We're talking right now," Mark replies.

"I mean _really _talking, Mark. Meredith told me…" She sighs trailing off as Mark straightens up, meeting her eyes.

"What did Meredith say?"

Lexie' shakes her head. _Why hadn't he just _told _me?_ "It's—it's not important what she said."  
"Of course it is; tell me."

"Fine," Lexie snaps, her sorrow from minutes ago quickly morphing into easily combustible anger. "You want to know? You _really _want to know? Meredith said that you've been banned from the OR. _She _told me that you're apparently a _mess_."

"Lex—"

"And you know, I could deal with some of that, if it was just part of you getting through what _we_ went through. I'd understand it. But what I _don't _understand, what I _don't _get is the fact that you thought it would be appropriate to _hide _it from me!"

"Lexie, I didn't—"

"Don't, Mark. You've been showing your coworkers—_coworkers_—more of what you're going through than _me!_" Lexie replies, her anger shooting to the surface as her eye pierce his."I'm your _girlfriend, _Mark! _How_ is it fair that I know _nothing_ about what's going on in your head, but apparently _everyone_ else does?"

"Lex…"

"No, really, tell me—_how_ is this okay? Why did you think that I would be all right with this?"

"I didn't think, okay!" Mark shouts back, his frustration seeping through as well.

"Well, obviously," Lexie mocks.

"Lex," Mark replies, struggling to keep his tone even.

"Just tell me why are you aren't talking to me. Explain to me why you think it's okay for you to be completely open with the people you _work with_ and then hide _everything_ from me_—_your _girlfriend._ Just _tell _me."

"There's nothing to tell!"

"Sure there isn't," Lexie says sarcastically.

"I just…I don't _mean _to show them, okay? You think I want everyone to see what we're going through? You think I want people to be gossiping about _our _life like its some trite hospital scandal?"

"Well, you obviously do or you'd try just as hard to keep it from them as you are trying to keep it from me."

"I never mean to hide anything from you."  
"That's rich," Lexie snaps sarcastically.

"It's true!" He replies loudly before sighing and running a hand roughly through his hair. "Lexie, look—" Mark begins only to be interrupted by a knock on the door. Both Mark and Lexie's eyes fly to the door.

"It's probably Meredith," Lexie sighs, crossing the room to answer it. Mark nods, leaving them to it and walking to the back of the apartment. "Don't think we're done with this discussion," Lexie calls back to him, malice evident in her tone.

"Wouldn't _dream_ of it," Mark relies with fake cheer. Lexie exhales angrily before composing herself and opening the door.

"Hey," a male voice says, turning to face her as the door's opened. "Is Mark here?"

…

**Author's Note: Please review and leave your thoughts!**


	7. Chapter 7

**_CHAPTER 7:_**

_9 PM._

_"Hey," a male voice says, turning to face her as the door's opened. "Is Mark here?"_

Owen glances at her, trying to be as casual as possible. Lexie looks the trauma surgeon up and down before opening the door wider and letting him in. "Sorry it's kind of late," he mutters.

"No, it's, uh, it's fine," she replies. "Give me a minute, I'll get him." Owen nods, his eyes surveying their apartment as she walks away. It's still so unusual for him to think of those two together. His eyes fall to a nearby end table, noting various pictures of the couple there.

"Hey, Dr. Hunt's here," Lexie tells Mark, stepping into their bedroom. Her voice is just on the borderline of civil. He pauses, halfway through putting on a t-shirt, to look at her.

"Hunt's here? _Here _here?"

Lexie looks at him as if he's crazy. "Yeah, he's by the door. Why? Did you guys get into some argument? Is _that _what this is all abou—"

"It was nothing," Mark replies automatically, walking past her to meet Hunt. Lexie stares after him, mystified and more than a little annoyed at his attitude tonight.

"Hey," Owen says, noticing Mark emerge from the back of the apartment, now feeling more awkward than ever. From the look on Mark's face, he obviously hasn't gotten past what happened earlier that night. "Look," he says, his eyes moving from Mark to Lexie, who's followed him out into the main room, "I wanted to talk to you about this afternoon. I didn't want the Chief to have—"

"Can we talk about this outside?" Mark asks, walking to the door. Hunt furrows his eyebrows, glances once to Lexie, but follows Mark outside nonetheless. Mark closes the door and turns around slowly to face the trauma surgeon.

"What are you doing here?" Mark asks, his voice anything but welcoming.

"Like I said, I wanted to say I was sorry about what happened this afternoon. I know you're pissed at me for—"

"Exiling me from my own job? Yes, I would be pissed about that," Mark replies sharply. Owen just raises his hands defensively, waiting for the other man to calm down before speaking.

"I know you're pissed at me," he continues. "But what I did was for your own good."

"My own _good_?" Mark asks with a mocking laugh. "_Really_?"

"Yes," Hunt replies seriously. "You don't want to admit it, I get that, but you know as well I do that your job performance since last week has fallen drastically."

"Hunt," Mark warns. His voice comes out a threatening growl.

"I know you know that and I know you don't want that to be what's happening…But that _is _what's happening. You've made mistakes in your patients' care, Sloan, and that can't be overlooked, no matter how much you're grieving." He sighs, looking down. "Robbins told me not to tell the Chief, but I knew I had to talk to him. You're just too wrapped up in what's happening out of work that you don't notice you're bringing it with you." Mark glares at him, but Owen continues. "Look, I know better than anyone what grief like this can do to people, especially when you work in medicine—"

"'_Grief_?'" Mark asks, his voice low and menacing. "You think I'm acting this way just out of _grief_? You think you can relate what I'm going through to your damn survivor's guilt, Hunt?"

"Sloan—"

"I didn't ask for you sympathy and I didn't ask for you to analyze my life. And I _sure _as hell didn't ask for you to come to _my_ home and try and get me to see your side in this. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to ask you politely to leave me the hell alone," Mark tells him, looking pointedly down the hall. Hunt sighs, closing his eyes momentarily.

"Just take the time off to adjust," he tells Mark. "It might actually help."

"Goodbye, Hunt," Mark says gruffly. Owen takes one look at him before turning away and heading down the hall. As soon as he's out of sight, Mark takes a deep breath, closing his eyes. A moment later, he's cleared himself of all traces of the argument. He opens the apartment door, looking around to find Lexie on the couch, waiting for him.

"What was that about?" Lexie asks.

"Nothing," Mark replies. "He was just asking about the treatment for one of our patients."

Lexie nods, her eyes surveying him. He notices her looks and walks over, sitting heavily beside her. "I'm sorry, Lex," he tells her, placing his hand on her knee. She raises her eyes to meet his. "I never meant to hide anything from you. I just…" He sighs, turning his head towards her. "I just thought I should spare you the trouble."

"The trouble?" Lexie asks quietly after a moment, her brow furrowed delicately. Mark sighs, moving closer to her as his voice lowers.

"You shouldn't have to deal with what I'm going through," he tells her softly. "You've got your own grief. You don't need mine too."

Lexie's eyes widen as she leans back a bit, feeling her eyes prick slightly. She thought he was acting out of distrust or apathy, not some sort of amped-up protective instinct…

"So, no, I don't…I don't _mean _to show them—to show the people at work—but I…" He looks down, not wanting to meet her eyes. "I have to keep it together around you because you don't deserve anything less than that. …But I…I guess I can't keep it up all the time. I just slip sometimes," he mutters, running hand through his hair and remembering the Chief kicking him out, "at the worst moments."

"Mark," Lexie murmurs, moving towards him. He glances up and catches her gaze. She leans forward, taking his face between her hands and kisses him. When she pulls back, there's a few wayward tears trailing down her cheeks, but a smile on her face nonetheless. "See?" She says quietly. "That's all I wanted to hear." She pauses, looking him in the eye. "I just want you to _talk _to me about this stuff. I can deal with it. I'm not as damaged as you might think."

"I never said you were—"

She puts a finger to his lips lightly. "I know," she murmurs. "It's not your fault; you're just worried. And I get that. But I need you to promise me you won't hide things from now on."  
"Lex…" He mutters against her finger.  
"Promise me, Mark," she commands. He sighs, looking her in the eye before nodding his head. She removes her finger.

"Fine, I promise." He smirks. "I'll pour my heart out to you anytime."  
"You know what I mean," Lexie replies. He meets her eyes.

"Yes, I do."

…

_11.30 PM_

"You all right?" Callie asks Mark, walking alongside Arizona. They'd all just gone out for drinks at Joe's, and he'd been quiet all night. Arizona just assumed it was because he didn't like leaving Lexie home alone—even though they asked her to come—but the blonde didn't voice her opinions.

…

_"So what are you going to do? With your week off?"_

_ Mark looks up, seemingly from a stupor, to meet Arizona's questioning gaze. He looks around the bar, thinking. "I, uh, I don't know. I guess…" He sighs, taking a sip of his scotch. "I'm not sure. I hadn't given it much thought. I guess I'll just stay home with Lexie."_

_ Arizona nods in agreement, but Callie jumps in before she can speak. "You guys should leave."_

_ "What?" Mark and Arizona ask at the same time, their eyes flying to her._

_ "Yeah," Callie replies. "You should go. You and Lexie—you should leave town, get away from the hospital, get away from _Seattle_…" She pauses. She knows Mark doesn't like being told these types of things, but she thinks it really might help. "You know, couples usually leave for a bit." She swallows, watching her best friend, remembering how passionate he gets about her downplaying things. "They usually leave and go somewhere. Like a mini-vacation; just a break from your life for a while. Just so you can—"_

_ "—Forget about it?" Mark supplies, eyeing her, his voice low and dangerous._

_ "No, not so you can forget about it," Callie replies, holding his gaze. "I just meant it might be easier to readjust _outside_ of Seattle. It might be easier to be somewhere that _**isn't** _here. Just for now."_

_ Mark holds her stare for a minute before sighing, looking down at his drink. "I don't know," he mutters. "I don't think she'll want to go anywhere."  
"Well, do _**you**_?" Arizona asks, glancing at him. "She isn't the only one dealing with this." Mark looks to the blonde surgeon, an unreadable look in his eyes. He holds her gaze for a moment more before dropping it, fiddling with his drink._

_ "I don't know," he replies softly. "Maybe? It's not like I've had time to travel in months, and it would be great…But now…It just seems, I don't know, kind of…weak." He looks up at his friends. "Like I'm running away, you know?"  
"It's not supposed to be weak, Mark," Callie replies. "And it isn't supposed to mean you're running away. It's supposed to be a change of scenery to get you back on your feet. Sometimes you have to get away for a bit."_

_ "Hm," Mark replies, finishing his drink. _

…

"Yeah, I'm fine," Mark tells Callie tiredly, splitting off from the pair to head across the hall. Callie and Arizona are about to go into their apartment when he calls the Peds' surgeon's name. She turns around, looking at him, curious.

"I, uh, heard that you tried to talk some sense into Hunt." His eyes meet Arizona's. "And I wanted to say thanks."

"Oh. Of, uh, of course," Arizona replies, a little stunned. Callie looks over to her girlfriend, completely surprised. She waits for Mark to go into his apartment before questioning her girlfriend.

"'I heard you tried to talk some sense into Hunt?'" Callie quotes. "What did you say to Owen?"

"Last week," Arizona explains, closing the door behind them, "the first day Mark came back, he was on a case with me and Owen. He wasn't completely there because of what happened—plus, it was a case with a little eight-year-old girl…"

Callie nods. "And?"

"And he thought Mark wasn't ready to be back yet. Owen thought he wasn't acting as professional as he would be if this were…before…And I ran into Hunt on his way to the Chief's office. He said he was going to try and get Dr. Webber to make Mark take leave. I told him not to is all," Arizona finishes quickly as Callie watches her.

"Well, it had to be a bit more than 'no' if it made that big of an impression on Mark," Callie reasons.

"I guess. I mean it was…It was just…" Arizona sighs, turning to look Callie in the eye. "Don't be mad," she warns while Callie quirks an eyebrow.

"Why would I be mad? He's my best friend. You helped him out."

Arizona looks at Callie sheepishly. "It…It wasn't really Mark I was defending…"

"Lexie, then?"

Arizona shakes her head. "No, it was…It about Owen. He just…He just wrote off losing a child like it was _nothing_," Arizona says, getting angry at the recollection. "I deal with little kids getting sick and dying _every day..._and he simply brushed it off like it was Mark being weak or something. Like he was underperforming cause he was feeling _too__much_**.**" Arizona scoffs. "Like that's a _thing_**. **Like it's _bad_**.** You know, I meet parents all the time who feel just the way he's feeling after they've lost their child. It's not his fault he's distracted. He _should_be distracted." Arizona sighs, trying to keep her composure. "I just…Owen's attitude pisses me off sometimes."

"I'm not mad," Callie says gently with a smile. "It was good of you."

…

"Hey," Mark says quietly upon entering their apartment and seeing Lexie asleep on the couch. She doesn't stir as he closes the door and steps out of his shoes. Mark sighs, feeling guilt rush through him with the knowledge that she no doubt she tried waiting up for him to get back and fell asleep. His eyes tighten as he notices the pictures she's moved to the coffee table—and the scrunched up tissue in Lexie's loose fist. He walks quietly across the room, sitting down behind Lexie and propping her up against him lightly, murmuring her name to wake her.

"Hi," she mutters, opening her eyes slowly and yawning.

"I'm sorry I was gone so long," Mark replies, kissing her lightly. "I didn't think we'd be out that late." She nods, leaning tiredly into his body.

"It's okay."

His eyes fall to the pictures on the table; he holds her closer unintentionally as he recognizes them. One is from this past January; they'd gone out to dinner on their night off, a few days after she'd told him about that she was pregnant. Their waiter had noticed they were celebrating at the restaurant and had offered to take their picture.

…

_"Okay, smile," the waiter instructs. They oblige him, looking towards the camera as he counts to three. At the last second, Mark leans forward to capture her lips, taking her face gently between his hands and kissing her lovingly. Lexie kisses him back for a second before pulling away, giving him a sour look._

_ "You ruined the picture," she accuses while he just grins._

_"Do you want me to take another one?" The waiter asks, amused._

_"Yes," Lexie replies at the same time Mark answers._

_"No, that one's good." The waiter smiles briefly at Lexie before handing her back the camera and departing. She'd rolled her eyes at her boyfriend, but he'd simply leaned forward and covered her lips with his again. When they pull apart a minute later, Mark looks down at the camera, examining the picture._

_"It's a good one," he notes. Lexie nods, resting her head on his shoulder._

_"Despite your penchant for making a scene, I like it too," she replies, the faint annoyance in her tone disappearing quickly. He grins, kissing her forehead lightly._

_"Any scene I make is always a memorable one," he replies._

…

They'd gotten it framed a few days later.

The other is the ultrasound picture; still on it's flimsy photograph paper. Mark narrows his eyes, flicking from her to his jacket by the door. _She must've seen it_, Mark thinks, not even having realized he hadn't worn a jacket down to the bar.

"We should go somewhere," Mark says abruptly, wanting to dispel his chagrin at having been found out and to fill the silence of the room. He can't be around silence, not anymore, not without—

"Where?" Lexie asks tiredly, looking up at him. "It's 11:30, Mark."

"No, I…I mean we should go somewhere that…that isn't Seattle."

Lexie straightens up, meeting his eyes. "What?"

"We're not ready to go back yet, Lex," he tells her. "And Callie…She mentioned that people who go through…" He swallows, looking down. "People who go through what we went through usually take off for a few days, you know, to…to readjust."

"And you…what? You want to go?"

"Well, I…I think it would be good. What are we going to do here, anyway? Neither of us is going back to work anytime soon. I think it would be good to get away. I don't think it's a good idea for us to be around Seattle right now. Being here, it isn't…It isn't helping." He looks to her. "We can…We can just leave for a few days, and come back when we know we're ready," Mark murmurs, his eyes roaming over her face. She nods, knowing it isn't good for either of them to be near to hospital, at least not while everything is still so fresh.

"Where would we go, though?" Lexie asks after a minute.

"I don't know, anywhere…We could just…go away—for a few days, at least."

Lexie nods slowly and he shifts towards her. "What did you have in mind?" She asks knowingly.

"Well, I was thinking," Mark starts with a rare smile, "since you've never been…"

…

**Author's Note: Hope you liked that; it was pretty difficult for me to choose what I wanted to keep in and what I wanted to edit. I'm not completely okay with it, but I just had to post it. Leave a review and tell me what you think. :)**

**Here's to hoping the shit doesn't hit the fan tonight...*pleads with the gods***


	8. Chapter 8

**_CHAPTER 8:_**

**Author's Note: I don't even want to talk about Grey's I'm that mad. I came in at the last ten minutes and I really wish I hadn't. It would have been better just not to watch. Besides me just HATING this plot line, am I the only one who thinks it's just _incredibly _stupid (like, it's _bad _writing)? I feel like all Grey's now is a soap opera, you know? (It kills me.)**

**Really all I want out of the show is Mark and Lexie together. That's it. Obviously, that's too much to ask, since the writers pull them apart every five seconds.**

**I actually don't even think I'm gonna keep watching if they're going forward with this ridiculous crap. It's just…not worth watching. And we already suffered through all this shit in the 6th season. Why are we revisiting it? I'll come back when things return to sanity again. If they ever do.**

**Anyway, on with the story.**

_Friday, April 22nd_

_10 AM_

_ "Boarding for flight 734 to New York City starts now, in gates A4 and A5."_

"That's us," Mark says, picking up his bag and walking with Lexie towards the clerk at gate A5.

"Mark, we should talk about this," Lexie murmurs after handing her ticket to the clerk.

"Talk about it? Lex, we're boarding the plane," Mark replies, smiling. Lexie just closes her eyes, takes her ticket, and follows him down the ramp.

…

_Last Wednesday, April 20th_

_ "Leave?" Lexie asks, standing behind Mark as he books tickets online. "You just want to leave and fly three thousand miles and do…what, exactly?"_

_ "Does it matter?" He glances over to her, confused. "You seemed fine with the idea last night."_

_"I was. I was fine with the idea last night. But I was thinking about it, and…Isn't it better if we just stay here?"_

_Mark turns away from the computer to meet her eyes. "Lex, neither of us can be here right now. We should just—we should just go, get away." He looks at her, the long-dormant excitement in his eyes. "I've got time off, and you have leave too. Let's just—let's just go," he says, his voice almost pleading with her. She meets his eyes, not wanting to crush the newfound happiness that seems to have invaded her boyfriend's mind. She knows he's right. No matter how much she'd like to stay in one place…She knows they can't be here right now._

_"Fine," she replies. _

…

Lexie sleeps on his shoulder during most of the flight. Mark looks down at her every once in a while, just watching her. As the hours pass, he notices there are tears on her face, cascading gently down her cheeks. Mark wipes them away lightly, trying to not wake her, thinking that soon they will be okay. Soon, there will be distance. Soon, they'll be away from here.

He kisses her forehead, holding her hand tightly. Soon, it won't hurt anymore. Soon, they can live again.

…

_2 PM_

One cross-country flight, a cab ride, and seven hours later, Mark sighs happily, slipping the key through the door and opening their hotel room. He sets their bags on the floor glancing around the small space, ready to take in all the differences. As Lexie excuses herself to the bathroom, Mark walks up to the window, drawing back the curtains. His eyes roam over the now-unfamiliar city, realizing that though the scenery _is _different, it's not _that _different. He feels his stomach and heart drop immediately, the intense and sudden vertigo making him want to puke as he steadies himself lightly on the windowsill. _It's not different enough. It will _**never**_ be different enough._

Because it still hurts.

Even three thousand miles away, even on the coast of a different ocean, even in a different _time zone_, it still hurts. Nothing's different. Nothing will ever be different. He'd thought that putting distance between him and Seattle, him and the hospital, him and that small exam room bathroom, would change things. But it didn't. It never could.

_I shouldn't have suspected anything else_, Mark thinks, realizing how _stupid_ it was to take this trip. _I should have known. I should have thought this through, _he berates himself angrily._ Distance has never meant anything._ It will _never_ mean anything, because there's no such thing as distance, not when you're trying to get away from the person you lost.

They follow you everywhere.

Distance is capable of a lot, but it can't accomplish this. Nothing can accomplish this. _It's time to face the facts, _Mark thinks. _Nothing is different and nothing will _**ever**_ be different. It will _**always**_ be the same, it will _**always**_ hurt, and it will _**never**_ go—_

"Hey," Lexie calls, standing a few feet away. Mark starts at her voice, his thoughts interrupted. He shakes his head, clearing it, and puts a smile on his face before turning to face her.

"Hey," he replies.

"What're you thinking about?" Lexie asks, walking up to meet him at the window.

"Nothing," he replies. "It's just…It's nice outside."

Lexie nods, staring out across at the expanse of the city. Even growing up in a big city like Seattle, she was still shocked with the enormity of New York. She thought growing up in Seattle was a feat…But to growup_ here_? That just sounds impossible.

"Happy to be back?" She asks, noticing the smile at the edges of his lips. Mark glances over, drawing an arm around her.

"No," he replies softly, truthfully. "I'm just happy to be with you."

…

_Sunday, April 24th_

_4 PM_

In Mark's opinion, their trip to New York had been okay. Pleasant, even. They had toured around the city, travelling from place to place as Mark's memory of the different areas came back to him. Lexie seemed to be having a good time, so Mark tried as hard as he could to force the desolation he felt down and away. He knew it'd never leave, but he could hold it at bay, at least for a while, couldn't he?

Couldn't he?

…

_It's nice here_, Lexie thinks, walking through Manhattan, her hand linked lightly with Mark's. It's true; their trip had been nice. Their trip _would_ have been great, save for a few details. The lost baby, the silence, the distance…_Take all that away and this trip's fucking perfect, _Lexie thinks sarcastically, glancing unconsciously to her boyfriend. _Yes, this would have been a great trip,_ she thinks again, _except for the ever-present grief hanging over us like a fog._ The grief makes every conversation just a bit shorter, every day just a bit darker, and every touch of comfort just a bit more hostile.

Yes, this trip would have been great.

...

"Callie?" Lexie asks as she hears the phone click.

"Hey, Lexie," Callie replies, recognizing the voice on the other end. "How's New York? Where's Mark?"

"It's good, nice. He's—he's in the shower." Lexie pauses, taking a deep breath. "Callie, he…He won't talk to me," Lexie whispers.

"Oh, Lexie," Callie sighs into the phone. She knew something like this would happen sooner or later. She'd _told _Mark not to bury his feelings like that. She'd thought that when they left, Mark would take the opportunity to open up to her, away from Seattle. She thought he'd been more comfortable in a place he couldn't look at without thinking _this is where it happened._ But now Lexie was worried enough about him to _call _her…_This is so **not** good_, Callie thinks.

"It's like he's trying to pretend nothing ever happened," Lexie admits, feeling on the verge of tears.

"Lexie, don't think like that," Callie tells her as Arizona walks into the room. _It's Lexie_, she mouths. Arizona nods, her mouth turning downward. Though she didn't know Lexie that well, she still felt awful for the young intern. She's seen it on so many parent's faces before—it's awful to lose a child, and it must be just as horrible to lose an unborn baby.

"I know…I know he isn't saying anything because he doesn't want to worry me or make it any more painful than it already is…But if he's not talking to me—"

"He isn't talking to me, either, Lexie. You don't need to worry about—" Callie starts, worried how she might portray their relationship in light of what just happened.

"Well, if he isn't talking to you or me, who _is _he talking to? He's barley said _one word _to Derek since…since…He can't just pretend like nothing happened!"

"I know, Lexie, he can't…Have you…Have you tried getting him to talk? To get him to open up about it?"

"Of course I have," Lexie snaps. "He opened up—_once_—and I was so worried that it was a one time thing, I was so worried he'd never be that open again, that I mad him _promise _me to tell me what he's thinking." Lexie scoffs, continuing before Callie can get a word in. "I know. It was stupid and childish and just…_stupid_. But I thought…" Lexie bites her lip, trying to hold it together, as she whispers. "He told me the reason he's been so…distant…is because he doesn't want to burden me. And I…" She takes a deep breath, doing her best to ignore the tears threatening to fall down her cheeks. "I understand that. I know that he's trying to protect me. But he—he can't. Not from this."

Callie closes her eyes, wishing there was something she could do to help her poor friend. "What does he do when you try to talk to him about the baby?"

"He just switches the subject, like—like we're talking about weather or something! Not—not the baby we _lost,_" Lexie replies, her voice breaking.

"Lexie," Callie says softly, wishing she was there to comfort or hug the younger woman. She couldn't even imagine what Lexie was going through—all Callie knew that it kind of explained why Arizona was so hesitant to have kids.

"He can't just keep it inside all the time," Lexie is saying. "He needs to talk to someone."

"Have you tried asking him? Directly, I mean. Have you tried talking to him point-blank about it?" Lexie shakes her head.

"No," she replies, sitting down, he voice a bit choked. "No, I can't. He's so…He won't talk about it if I bring it up. He just changes the subject, like I said. He _moves on_." Her voice pleads with Callie. "I don't know what to do," she whispers. "He acts like nothing happened."

"Lexie," Callie murmurs, wishing she could draw the other woman towards her for a hug without having one of them fly across the country. "He knows what happened—that's why he's so worried and protective. He doesn't want it to happen again and he doesn't want to relive it—what happened to you two hurt him too much. He was so happy and now…Now he _isn't_. He doesn't want to remember why he isn't happy anymore, he just wants to put it in the past—"

"I understand that, but he should know that it's _not _in the past—at least not for me," Lexie whispers. Callie can hear the desperation in Lexie's voice and she wished she knew what to say, what to do. She can only come up with one thing.

"Just…Just try talking to him, okay? Don't let him change to subject next time. Don't let him run away."

Lexie nods, wiping her eyes lightly as Callie tries to assure her that everything will be all right. "And even though I know he didn't get why the Chief made him leave, I still think it was good for him to take advantage of that, to get you guys out of Seattle. It's probably hard for him to see Richard's side, but—"

"Wait," Lexie interrupts, trying to piece this all together. "You—you just said the Chief _made _him leave."

"Well, yeah," Callie replies, a 'duh' tone to her voice. "Of course he did. And I don't blame him, I mean Mark was out of…" She trails off, realizing what just happened. _Oh, fuck_. "Lex—Lexie, I—I didn't really meant that," Callie backtracks quickly. "I—I mean, Mark, he…He just took some time off, he wasn't…He didn't…"

"I get it, Callie," Lexie replies, her tone ice cold.

"Lexie," Callie murmurs.

"No." She shakes her head. "I get it. Really. I get that he lied to me—after _promising _me that he'd tell the truth."

"Lexie, I'm sure he just—he—he didn't want to worry you," Callie supplies, desperately searching for something concrete to say.

"Right. I'm sure he didn't." Her eyes settle on the closed bathroom door, knowing Mark is in there. "I'll talk to you later, Callie," Lexie tells her, pulling the phone from her ear.

"Lexie—" Callie starts to explain, only to be hung up on.

…

"Is she alright? Are they doing any better?" Arizona asks, remembering the day when the Chief told Mark to go home with such unsettling clarity she doesn't even notice the look of shock on her girlfriend's face. Arizona could practically hear Mark and the Chief shout at each other in her memory.

"Not really," Callie sighs. Arizona sits beside her.

"But what are you gonna expect, Calliope? It hasn't been that long. Grief like this sticks with people for a while. They don't just get over it."

"I know," Callie replies, looking away. "I just…I wish he didn't have to deal with it, you know? He's wanted this forever. And Lexie…She doesn't deserve this. I would never wish something like this on her," Callie murmurs, hoping Lexie won't blame Mark too much. He _should _have told her, no doubt, but Mark…He was doing what he thought was right, no matter what it amounted to in the real world. And Callie couldn't fault him for wanted to protect her. "I'd never wish this on anyone."

"I know," Arizona replies. "Me neither."

…

**Author's Note: It hurt having to revise this; making Callie a normal, sane person. Anyway, feel free to ignore my dramatics and review. :)**

**I was listening to "Shattered" while writing this chapter…This line specifically comes to mind; it's perfect: _All that I feel is the realness I'm faking._**

**So, the story's winding down…We've only got two chapters left, hope everything works out. ;)**


	9. Chapter 9

**_CHAPTER 9:_**

**_Author's Note: Dear Mel, a hell of a lot can happen in two chapters. :) And we'll have to wait and see, but I don't know if I could highly dislike/hate anyone more that I highly disliked/hated Sloane. She was a real pain in the ass._**

_5 PM._

_Try talking to him, okay? Don't let him change to subject next time_, Callie had said._ Don't let him run away._

"Hey, do you want to go out to dinner?" Mark asks an hour later, walking through the hotel room. Lexie sits in the armchair, watching him. As she sits there, Callie's words echo in Lexie's head over and over again. _I've gotta do something, _she thinks.

"Why did we come here?"

Mark looks around, his eyebrows knitted together at her rather defeated-sounding tone. Despite everything that had happened, she'd seemed happy and upbeat most of the trip. And though he knew the distance wasn't enough, he'd gone along with her. He'd acted happy. He'd thought, stupidly, that if you faked an emotion enough, maybe it would become real.

"What?" He asks after a minute.

"Why did we come here? Why here? Why didn't we just stay in Washington? We could have gone anywhere in the state, or California, or _anywhere_. Why here?"

"Well, I…" Mark trails off, appraising her. "I grew up here."

"I know. And of all the months we've been together, I've only heard you speak about your childhood _once_." Mark glances down, not wanting to meet her eyes. "So I'm asking, _why now_?"

"Lexie…Can't we just go? You have to be hungry; why don't we go eat something?"

"No, I want to talk about this," Lexie replies, standing up. "I want to know why we're here."

"We're here because…Because it's New York. I don't know; I just picked a place, all right, and this is what came to mind."

"You're not telling the truth."  
"The _truth_? What's there to lie about?" Mark asks, exasperated. "Yes, I thought about going to Chicago or Los Angeles, sure, whatever, but why does that _matter_?"

"'Matter?' It _matters _because I want you to _talk _to me before you uproot our life!"

"Our _life_? Lex, we're here for a _week_. That isn't a lifetime. We live in Seattle; I'm not trying to get you to move out here. Our life is in _Seattle_; I know that. I just _picked a city._ And this isn't about me uprooting our life," he adds, annoyed. "This is about what _happened _uprooting our life."

Lexie ignores him, shaking her head.

"What?" He asks, annoyed by her silence. When she doesn't speak, he asks again. "_What? _What is it? Whatever the hell you want to say, just say it already and—"

"You said the Chief gave you time off when Callie _told me _he madeyou leave," Lexie yells, her eyes blazing, finally having enough. "You _lied _to me, Mark! How could you _do_ that?"

"Lexie, I didn't—"

"Don't you _dare_," she cuts him off, pointing a finger in his face. Her voice lowers a moment later. "You _promised _me you wouldn't hide things from me, Mark. You _promised."_

Mark exhales loudly, putting a hand over his eyes before running it through his hair.

"Why didn't you just _tell me the truth?_" Lexie asks, desperately wanting to understand. He raises his eyes to meet hers, dropping his hand.

"Lex, I didn't want…" He sighs, his eyes falling to the ground. "I didn't want you to have to worry about me on top of everything else. I told you that."

"I wouldn't have had to worry if you'd been honest with me," Lexie reminds him. She pauses before speaking again, her voice low. "I want to know why we ran across the country."

"We didn't run," Mark argues.

"No, _I_ didn't run. _You _ran—and you dragged me along with you. And I want to know why."  
"Lexie," Mark mutters, exasperated. He knew it would look like this; he'd said as much to Callie and Arizona. He _knew _she would think they were running away. "Can't we just…We aren't even arguing about anything. Can't we just move on?"  
Lexie gives a shrill laugh at his word choice. "Yes, let's 'move on.' Perfect! Let's do that. Let's forget this ever happened, just like everything else," she snaps, walking past him to the other side of the room, only to stop short at the lack of space. _Damn it, I wish we were home. There's nowhere to leave to._

"Lexie…" Mark murmurs, turning to face her, having realized what she's talking about.

"You know, it's not even about that," Lexie cuts in, turning around and pointing at him as she predicts his response.

"Well, then what's it about?" Mark asks, his voice quiet.

"It's about how _you_ won't talk to me," Lexie shouts, her frustration skyrocketing. "About _anything. _You won't act normal, you won't—"

"Normal?" Mark cuts in harshly, his voice rising as well. "You expect me to be _normal _after this?"

"No, I just—"

"Cause you sure as shit aren't normal, Lexie! When's the last time we've fought, hm? _Where _is _this_ coming from?"

"Exactly!" Lexie shouts, pointing at him, ignoring his jab and his implication that she was the one to start this. "That is _exactly _what I am talking about! Why do you pretend like you don't know? Why don't you see it? Why don't you _feel _what I feel?"

"You think I don't?" Mark asks, his voice coming out a growl. Lexie continues, though, undeterred by his tone.

"Well, see, I don't know! Because _you won't_ _show_ _me_. You won't talk to me, you won't open up to me; you won't do _anything_."

"I'm sorry that me taking care of you after what happened was seen as so unsavory in your mind, Lex," Mark retorts as she walks angrily away. "Sorry I tried to help; I won't do it again."

"See, there," she shouts, walking back over to him. "You won't even—you just refer to it as 'what happened.' Like it wasn't _anything_! Like it didn't _mean _anything!"

"You think it didn't _mean_ anything to me?" Mark asks, his voice getting louder now, stepping towards her. "You think I don't _feel_ what you feel? You think just because I don't _talk_ about it, I don't know what you're going through every _second _that we don't have what we did before? Hm? Is that what you _think_?"

"YES. _Yes, it is!_ Because you won't _show _me! You keep saying 'it.' _It_ is a _baby, _Mark! We lost a _baby!" _She pauses, lowering her voice. "I need to know that you're okay," she whispers.

"Okay?" Mark lets out a harsh laugh. "You want to know if I'm _okay_? Newsflash, Lex, I'm _not_. I'm falling apart just as quickly as you are."

"So why won't you _show _me that?" Lexie asks, desperate now. "Why won't you just let me _see _how you feel? Why is it so hard for you to be honest with me?"

Mark looks to her, his eyes pained and his expression torn. _What am I supposed to say? I can't let her—_

"Michael," Lexie says quietly, interrupting his scattered thoughts. Mark's head shoots up automatically. Her eyes find his face, and she can see his lips tremble, on the verge of falling apart just like he'd said. _No, _he thinks adamantly. _I can't do this. Not now. **Not in front of her. It's not fair**. She shouldn't have to see—_

"His name was Michael." Lexie's voice is stronger now, almost daring him to rebut her statement, daring him to show her what he feels.

Mark takes one look at her, his eyes pricking and his breathing becoming shallow, before dashing to the bathroom, shoving the door shut behind him. He makes it less than three feet into the small room before he collapses on the closed toilet seat, unable to breath properly.

"You…you shouldn't have to see this," he gasps as he hears the door open, his reddening eyes pleading with her to leave.

"Mark, I _need_ to see this," she replies firmly, moving swiftly and kneeling in front of him on the tile floor. "This is what I'm talkingabout. I need to you to show me what you're feeling. You can't just run from me when this happens. That's not fair."

"Lexie, _please_," Mark begs hoarsely, looking to the door, silently telling her to leave. _I'm supposed to be the strong one, _he thinks. _I'm supposed to be the one who doesn't fall apart. She doesn't need to see this, she doesn't need to know_ _this even _**happens**_. I can't do this **and **take care of her. It's not right. She doesn't deserve—_

"This isn't just about me. I'm not the only one that lost a baby, here, okay?" She encloses his face between her hands, forcing him to look at her. "I know you're trying to…protect me…But _you don't have to_. I've already been hurt. As much as you want to, as much as you feel you _need_ to, you can't change that. And I'm sorry. I know you want to, but you _can't_." She takes a breath. "We can get through this," she tells him, her shaky voice betraying her confident words. "But I need for you to get through it _with_ me. And I can't do that when you aren't talking to me…I can't do it alone. I need to know that you're _here_—that you're living through what I'm living through—and that you will always be _here, _in this moment, with me. I need to know it isn't in the past for you. You lost a son, Mark," Lexie tells him, her voice cracking. "I have to be sure that you know that."

His eyes pierce hers, and when he speaks, his voice sharp. "You think I don't?"

"Mark," she murmurs, stroking his face gently.

"You think I'm not thinking about the baby we lost every time I have a spare moment? You think that's not why Richard kicked me out? Do you…" He swallows roughly. "Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to be in the same _room _with that little girl, to _talk _to her, without constantly comparing her to what our baby might've been like when he got older? I'm exhausted, Lex, just like you. Did you ever wonder why? Did you ever stop to think and imagine that my dreams, like yours, are plagued by what our life could have been like, with him here? You think I don't have nightmares of this happening _over_ and _over_ again? Of…" his voice cracks, but he continues. "Of you leaving once everything finally falls apart? Of you leaving when I'm…When I'm not enough anymore to get you to stay?"

"Mark…" Lexie murmurs, taking his face more securely between her hands as she blinks through her tears.

"I can't lose you too, Lex. It's be…It'd be too much," he whispers, tears trickling down his cheeks as his hands enclose her face as well.

"You won't," she tells him adamantly. "I'm not going anywhere, Mark. I have _always _been here. And I always will be, okay?"

Mark nods, taking a deep breath, and leaning his forehead against hers. She meets his eyes, speaking softly. "You can't hide from this, Mark, and you shouldn't try. I love you, and I'm here for you, whenever you need me."

His eyes look into hers, and he opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. So she speaks instead.

"You were there for me. You were there _all the time_." She gives him a sad but grateful smile. "You comforted me when I didn't even know I needed comforting. You were always there when I needed you, no matter when, no matter where. So I'm asking you to let me be here for you. I'm asking you to let me in. I can help you through this, if you let me."

"I can't ask you to do that," he protests, his voice weak.

"You aren't," she whispers. "You never did."

"You…You already lost him," Mark replies quietly, finally keeping his promise. "You shouldn't have to deal with me too. That's not fair, it's too…it's too much. You shouldn't _ever _have to do that. You don't deserve this, not from me. I'm—I'm supposed to be the one protecting you, Lex. _I'm_ supposed to be the one taking care of you. This isn't your job."

Lexie gives him a small smile at this, cupping his cheek. "Hey. Of course it's my job. It's both of ours. You can't be the one to rescue me all the time. Sometimes the roles get reversed."

"It isn't fair," Mark argues, shaking his head. "I can't let you…This isn't fair."

"I know," she replies, whispering. "I know it's not fair. Nothing has been fair. But we can…We can get through this. We _will _get through this. And we can try again. And we can keep trying." His previously downcast eyes lift to hers, surprised. _She wants to keep trying? _"I want to be with you, Mark. I love you. We can do this. We're already thoughthe worst. Things will get better, easier. We can do this," she repeats.

"How are you so sure?"

"I'm not," she says truthfully, smiling despite herself. "But I believe in us, and so I believe we can get through this. And you should, too, because…Because I want to keep going."

His eyes tighten, his mind jumping ahead. "You—you want to move on?" He asks, shocked.

She shakes her head. "No," she whispers. "No, I don't want to move on. I don't want to forget this—forget our baby. I _couldn't _forget him, not if my life depended on it. I'll always carry…" She exhales, averting her eyes for a moment as a tear falls down her face. "I'll always carry Michael with me, even though he's not here. And you will too. But if…If we get up and keep going forward, maybe it'll…" Another tear falls down Lexie's cheek. "Maybe the pain will lighten," she murmurs, taking his face lightly in her hands and kissing him. "Maybe it'll get better."

"Maybe," he echoes hoarsely, looking into her eyes, resting his forehead against hers. "You can't be sure—_we_ can't be sure."

"But don't you want to find out?" Lexie asks softly, almost pleading. "Don't you want to see if we can get that happiness back again?"

"I won't be able to forget," Mark replies, ignoring her question. "I've never forgotten…" Lexie hugs him tight as his voice disappears. She knows he's talking about the baby Addison aborted without telling him first. And she knows that even though he saw Addison's side in the whole thing, it still hurt him when he remembers that she went through with it without even telling him. Without warning him.

And now, here, years later…It happens again. But this time it meant so much more. Lexie was someone he saw a future with. She was someone that meant so much more—_was_ so much more—than a consolation prize for the loss of a brother. Lexie was someone he'd never even _thought _of cheating on, let alone actually did so. She was someone he could be himself with…And even now, when he thought he'd finally found the person for him…Their happiness had been shattered.

"I know. I know you haven't forgotten about Addison's baby," Lexie finishes for him, her head resting on his shoulder as she holds him close. "You couldn't, not if you wanted to. You won't forget our baby either." She pulls back, looking into his eyes. "And neither will I. But we keep going," she tells him firmly. "We move past this, we become happy again, and we _remember. _We can mourn and we can celebrate, and we can draw one good thing out of all this."

Mark lets out a bleak laugh. "A _good_ thing?"

"We won't ever fall apart," she whispers to him, almost shyly, almost embarrassed. "Everything else will, maybe, but we won't. If we can get through this, we can get through anything. Everything."

Mark nods, taking a deep breath, and leans his forehead against hers again.

"I love you," she tells him, honesty ringing through her voice. "I love you and you can't change that." He smiles faintly at this.

"No matter how hard I try?" He whispers, repeating her words from what seemed like so long ago.

"No matter how hard you try," Lexie replies, kissing him softly.

They stay like that for a time, roles finally reversed. Mark lets go completely—for once—within her embrace. And Lexie takes control—holding him tightly, her arms pressing his body against hers and not letting go.

After what seems like an immeasurable amount of time, they finally pull back. Their faces mirror each other's—reddened, tear-stained…but relieved. They've both finally confronted their demons, faced their fears. And though this is far from over, they've made it through the first leg of the journey. Mark and Lexie both know that they'll get through the rest—the good and the bad, the ugly and the beautiful—together.

They leave the bathroom, hand in hand.

**_If everything we've got is slipping away,_**

**_I meant what I said when I said 'til my dying day_**

**_I'm holding on to you, holding on to me_**

**_Maybe it's all gone black, but you're all I see_**

**_You're all I see_**

**_I'm holding on to you, holding on to me_**

**_Maybe it's all we got, but it's all I need_**

**_You're all I need_**

**_And if all we've got, is what no one can break,_**

**_I know I love you, if that's all we can take_**

**_The tears are coming down; they're mixing with the rain,_**

**_I know I love you, if that's all we can take_**

—"All I Need" by Mat Kearney

...

**Author's Note: That was the last chapter; I hoped you liked how things were resolved. Please review and tell me what you think. :)**

**This was originally going to be the final scene of the whole story, but then I wrote an epilogue...I couldn't stop myself! ;)**


	10. Chapter 10

**EPILOGUE**:

**_Author's Note: So no Grey's tonight (is that a good thing? I've gotten prep for Feb 3rd), but I thought I'd post this for you guys. This is the final post; hope you like it._**

_Saturday, April 12, 2025_

_Fifteen years later_

Peter walks around the house, looking for his parents. They'd been acting odd all day—quiet and reserved. It was weird, considering how boisterous they usually were. Plus, both of them took off work—something_unheard _of for either of them, at least from Peter's perspective. Even Uncle Derek and Aunt Meredith—who'd visited a few hours ago—were acting off. He'd talked to Lily about it earlier, but she said she didn't notice anything different about their parents. But still, Peter couldn't shake the feeling that there was something else…Some secret they all knew about but weren't willing to discuss with him.

…

_A few hours earlier_

_"Hey, Uncle Derek," Peter calls, opening the front door, surprised to see him at their house. "Aunt Meredith," he greets, hugging them both._

_"Hey, Pete," they reply, glancing at him quickly before stepping inside._

_"Are your parents here?" Derek asks, looking around._

_"Uh, yeah, they're out back," Peter informs them, leading the way to the back yard. "Hey, Mom, Dad," he calls, stepping outside. "Aunt Meredith and Uncle Derek are here."_

_Lexie and Mark look up, turning around in their chairs to see their friends arrive. Once they reach each other, the sisters hug immediately. Peter watches, surprised, as his father does the same with Derek, the two men clasping each other on the back._

_"What's going on?" Peter asks with a nervous smile. "Did I miss something?"_

_Both his aunt and uncle's eyes fly to his parents, while they both stare at him, bewildered, for a few seconds. His father is the first to snap out of it._

_"Nothing," he replies, smiling hastily. "We just haven't seen these two in forever!" He calls, reaching over to hug Meredith as well. Peter rolls his eyes; it's a documented fact that his parents only get weirder around their friends._

_"If you say so," Peter replies, knowing full well they see each other every day. "I'll be upstairs," he tells them, heading back inside. Just as he reaches the back porch, voices float up to meet him. He pauses, one foot indoors, to hear what they're saying when they think he's gone._

_"You haven't told him?" Peter furrows his brow. _Told me what? _If that line wasn't cryptic enough, he could swear there was a sad tone to his aunt's voice. Weird._

_"When would they, Mer?" That's his uncle, sounding a bit sympathetic._

_"It's not that we don't want to tell him," his father is saying. "It's just…We don't know how we should. Or when. Lily's only twelve. I don't think she'd…Understand…" His father's voice trails off, sounding worried. _What are they keeping from us? _Peter thinks, confused at their conversation but now completely engrossed._

_"We've talked about it," his mother says quietly. "We just don't want to burden them unnecessarily. It's not like they can do anything about it. What happened…happened."_

_"I'm sorry, Lexie," his aunt replies. _Sorry for what? _"I didn't mean to bring it up. If you don't want to—"_

_"Peter! Peter, come here," Lily calls from inside. "You have to see this!" Peter wishes he could yell back and tell her to give him a minute…But that would only blow his cover. Peter sighs, bringing his whole body inside and walking to find his sister. _I guess I'll never know what they're so intent to keep from us_, he thinks, closing the door softly behind him._

…

His parents usually told him everything, not matter what it was. But today, things were different.

Things were weird.

"Hey, Mom?" Peter calls, moving through the kitchen. "Dad?"

No one answers, and Peter keeps moving from room to room, determined to find them and figure out what's going on. He looks more carefully this time—they have to be somewhere. He never saw any cars leave or heard the front door shut. He walks to the end of the hall, knocking on his parents' bedroom door, opening it slowly. "You guys in here?"

Mark and Lexie look up from where they're sitting on the edge of the bed. Peter's father has his arm wrapping around his mother's shoulder and he's holding her hand within his. Peter glances between them, wondering what they're doing. _Did someone die? _He wonders, immediately running through a list of his older relatives in his head, trying to find a connection. _Is that what Aunt Meredith was saying when she was sorry she brought it up?_

Peter didn't have any grandparents left, but he had aunts, uncles, cousins…Maybe that's why Uncle Derek and Aunt Meredith were here earlier. Maybe something happened…And they didn't want to tell him? Peter feels a twinge of annoyance breaking through the fear. They always made a point to tell him when something big happened—no matter if it was bad or good. So why were they quiet now?

"What happened?" He asks cautiously, stepping into the room. It's only now, as his eyes roam over his parents, that he realizes what they were doing—his mother is holding a photograph in her hand. He can tell it's old by the worn edges. _Our house is full of pictures, _Peter thinks, his worries quickly shifting to confusion. _Since when do they carry around one without framing it?_

Mark looks up, meeting his son's worried gaze. "Nothing happened," he says quietly. "This is just a…hard day," he finishes, holding Lexie's hand tighter.

"Is it Grandma Shepherd?" Peter asks, remembering his uncle and aunt's presence earlier in the day. Though he saw them a lot, they didn't usually stop by together, unannounced, like that—especially in the middle of a workday. His eyes immediately mist over at the realization, ignoring his father's assurance. "Did she…Did she…Oh, god, did she die?"

Mark shakes his head quickly, letting go of his wife's hand and standing up quickly. "No, no, she's fine," he assures his son. "It's—it's not her."

Peter lets out a breath of relief before noting his father's word choice. "Not…'not her?'" he quotes. "Then—then someone died? Who was it? Is that why Aunt Meredith was here? And Uncle Derek—"

"He was your brother," his mother explains quietly, raising her eyes to meet her son's disbelieving stare.

"Brother?" Peter manages, dumbfounded.

"Lex," his father murmurs, turning towards her and giving her a look that says she doesn't need to explain. He can do it; she doesn't need to go there. _You don't need to tell him, _Mark thinks. _Not now, not today._ Even all these years later, his protectiveness for her hasn't faded.

Peter's eyes flick from his parents to the photo and back again. "I have a brother?"

Lexie swallows, glancing to Mark. He turns towards her, placing a hand on her shoulder, in comfort, in solidarity of their loss.

"No, you…You don't. I, um, I…" Lexie looks down, doing her best to keep her emotions in check in front of her son. She pauses, taking a deep breath.

"Your mom had a miscarriage," Mark explains quietly, stepping in for her.

"Oh, I…" Peter pauses, trailing off without any idea of what to say. This was _not _what he was expecting. "I'm…sorry," he finishes after a moment, his uncertainty turning the statement into a question.

"It's okay," Lexie says, putting a smile on her face and meeting his eyes. "It was a long time ago, before your Dad and I were married, but it…"

"It still hurts," Mark finishes for her, catching her eye and squeezing her hand tightly. Peter looks down at the floor, immediately filled with guilt.

"Sorry, I—I didn't mean to bring back anything, I just…I thought…"

"It's okay, Pete," Lexie smiles, motioning for him not to worry. She looks up at him, tilting the picture towards her son. "You want to see?"

Peter nods, walking up slowly. He stares at the mostly black image, trying to imagine what it would be like to have an older brother. His eyes trace over the outline of the baby as his mind wanders through all the possibilities.

"We were going to name him Michael," Mark says quietly. Peter glances to his father, but Mark doesn't meet his son's eyes. He looks to his mother, but she, too, is staring intently at the image on the paper. He studies them both for a minute; confused and half-convinced he can see sometime akin to tears right beneath the surfaces of their respective gazes. He had heard of couples having miscarriages, sure, but he always thought they got past it, moved on, had other kids. That was what people did, didn't they? They moved on?

"You miss him," Peter states quietly. "That's why you've been quiet all day. That's why you've been home, with…with me and Lily." Both Mark and Lexie nod. Peter pauses, knowing he doesn't have to elaborate, doesn't need to say what they're all thinking: _With your **living **children._ "Did Aunt Meredith and Uncle Derek know? Is that why they were here?"

Lexie is the first to tear her eyes away from the image and settle on her living son. "Yes," she replies quietly. "This—today—this is when we," she pauses, swallowing. "This is when we lost him."

"I…I'm so sorry, Mom," Peter mutters quietly, feeling guilty for deepening their obvious sorrow out of his own selfish curiosity. He wishes he could do something; hug her or hold her hand or tell her again how sorry he is…But he suddenly seems incapable of doing anything. Instead, he looks down to the floor, his eyes flicking to the ultrasound image every few seconds.

"It's all right," she assures him belatedly after a minute. "Like I said, it's been a long time." She sighs, smiling up at him. "And we've got you and Lily," she says, changing the subject quickly and giving him a one-armed hug. "We love you guys."

"I know," he replies, smiling back quickly. "I'll, um, I can go now," he tells them, making his way back across the room. Just as he's about to close the door behind him, he pauses for a moment, glancing back to his parents. Peter can see them comfort each other through the small crack in the door and he feels the guilt pierce through again.

"Hey, it's okay," his father is saying quietly, wrapping an arm around his wife's waist as they stand side-by-side. She nods vigorously, lifting a hand to her face, covering her mouth.

"I know," she replies, her voice muffled by her hand. "I know," she repeats before her voice is choked away by tears. She lets out a tortured sob before Mark pulls her towards him, wrapping his arms protectively around her back. Lexie buries her face into his shoulder, clutching her husband tightly.

"We had to tell him sometime," Mark remarks quietly, resting his head on her shoulder as he feels tears escaping from his eyes as well. Peter looks down, feeling awful that he was the one to make them relive what happened. "We'll tell Lily when she's older." His mother nods, not trusting her voice to be strong enough to speak, as she lifts a hand to wipe the still-falling tears off of her face roughly.

"You did good," Mark murmurs, holding his wife tightly. She nods again. Lexie wipes her face one last time before pulling back.

"You too," Lexie replies. Mark looks down, averting his eyes. Lexie puts a hand under his chin, raising it slightly. "Hey, it's okay," she tells him, using his words. Mark nods, swallowing the lump in his throat and meeting her eyes. She smiles sadly at him, reaching up to brush away his tears as well. Peter swallows roughly at this, sucking in a breath—though he'd seen his mother cry when she lost her father, he's never seen his father cry. Not once, not in fourteen years.

"This is ridiculous," Lexie admits softly with a small chuckle, holding her husband's face between her hands. "It's been almost fifteen years," she says with a sad smile, "and we can't get past it."

"I don't think it's ridiculous," he murmurs honestly, leaning his forehead against hers. "We can care about him just as we care about Lily and Peter. It's…It's no different."

"He isn't here," Lexie replies, her lip trembling as her voice breaks on the obvious difference. "He'll never…" She pauses, biting her lip and blinking, but she continues to hold his gaze. "He'll never be here."

"He is," Mark argues softly, looking into her eyes. "We'll always carry him with us, just like you said."

She nods absentmindedly, looking down before meeting his gaze. She remembers back to all the heartbreak and the pain…All the fights and the arguments…But in the end, it was all worth it wasn't it? If they'd simply broken up and gone their separate ways when they'd lost the baby, neither Mark nor Lexie would be where they were today.

…

_Mark's been pacing across the small groom's room for the last ten minutes. Derek had left a little while ago to sort through something with the minister, leaving Mark completely alone. Usually, that wouldn't be a problem…But today…Today is different. _Today I'm getting **married**_, __he thinks, feeling exhilarated and terrified at the same time. The shrill ring of his cell phone makes him jump, clearing his mind. Mark's hand shoots to his pocket, noticing the name on the outside._

_"Hey, Grey," he answers on the first ring, still pacing. "What's up?"_

_"We need you to come down here," Meredith replies without preamble, her voice a whisper._

_Mark's heart starts hammering, remembering the last time he'd been called like this. He knows Lexie isn't pregnant, but there's still that voice in the back of his head asking 'What if she didn't tell you? What if it happened again?' He feels his blood turn to ice at the thought._

_"Me? Why? What happened? Is Lexie—"_

_Meredith shakes her head, her mind flashing back to that awful day in April. "No, no, it's nothing like that," she assures him quickly._

_"Well, what is it?"_

_"Will you just come down here? We tried, but...I don't think she wants to talk to anyone but you."_

_"I'll be there in a second," Mark replies, already out the door._

_…_

_He reaches the bridal suite a minute later, his eyes fly nervously from Meredith's to Arizona's to Molly's, wondering what this is all about. No one speaks, though, so he opens the large wooden doors quietly and walks in. He glances around, looking for his fiancée, but he gets pulled aside by his best "man" first._

_"Callie, what happened?" Mark whispers, still looking around for her._

_"It's nothing huge," Callie assures him quickly. "She—she's just worried. And I thought she'd listen to you a lot more than she'd listen to me. Or Meredith or Molly. Or Arizona," Callie adds as an afterthought._

_Mark nods, his eyes still scanning the room._

_"She's over there," Callie directs, pointing to a small room off of the main suite. "I'll be outside," she tells him quietly. Mark nods again, making his way across the room. He stops in the doorway of the small room, his breath actually escaping him when he sees how beautiful she looks. Though her back is to him, the paneled mirror in front of her allows him to see the dress—and her—from almost every angle. The long, flowing white dress contrasts her dark hair perfectly, lightening her eyes and complementing her pale skin wonderfully. "You look…" He starts, trailing off before finding the right word._

_"Oh, stop it," Lexie mutters, turning to see him loitering in the doorframe._

_"I…What?"_

_"You don't need to act all taken aback for my sake," she answers, looking down, fiddling with her fingers. He smiles faintly at this, walking up to her. "It's not about that."_

_"It's not for your sake, Lex. You really do look…just…_**phenomenal**_."_

_She looks over at him, regarding his face. When she notices that he's telling the truth her expression turns almost shy, a small smile finding its way to her lips. "You think so?"_

_He grins, walking into the room and pulling up a nearby chair to sit beside her. "Of course I do." He grins. "You'd look better **without** the dress, though." She laughs at this before looking away, attempting to sniff her tears and fears away. He looks over to her, taking her hand gently. "What's this about, then? If it's not the dress?"_

_"I just…" Lexie looks down at their intertwined hands, willing all of her insecurities about their future to go away. Of course, it's not that easy. It's never that easy. She bites her lip and raises her eyes to him, blinking as a few tears fall gently._

_"What if I can't get pregnant?" She asks, her voice barely audible, finally voicing the worry that's been plaguing her for the past six months. Mark's eyes widen slightly; he hadn't seen this coming—not _today_, at least._

_"Lexie, sweetheart…"_

_"What if…What if that was our _**one**_ chance? What if we can't ever have a baby again? What…What do we do then, Mark?" Her eyes bore into his, pain and fear evident within their brown orbs. Mark lifts his hand to caress her cheek gently._

_"It wasn't our last chance," he replies softly. "We'll have kids, we'll be fine."_

_Lexie looks down, shaking her head. "You don't know that," she murmurs. "And you should know better than to try and placate me with generalizations," she grumbles. He smiles slightly at this; of course something she'd worry about wouldn't be an easy fix._

_"I do know better," he tells her as her eyes find his face again. "But I also know that we'll be okay, with or without kids. That's not a generalization, it's just the _**truth**_." He sighs, letting the air escape slowly from between his lips. "And, if by some stroke of bad luck, that was the only baby we could make, then we'll find other ways to be happy. We can be parents or we can**not** be parents. Whatever you want to do, Lex, I'll do. We can adopt, we can get a surrogate, we can just be married and do nothing…" He brushes away her tears gently, holding her gaze. "We can do whatever you want."_

_Lexie gives him a watery smile, laying a hand on top of his and laughing after a moment. She lifts her other hand to wipe her eyes fully. "God, I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm freaking out so much."_

_"I do," he remarks, glancing at her. She tilts her head, waiting for an answer. "We're getting married today."_

_She laughs, leaning forward to kiss him softly. "Yes, we are."_

_He studies her as she pulls back, his expression somber._

_"What?" She asks, lifting hand to her hair, thinking something's come loose._

_"You're sure?" Mark asks, his tone barely audible, his icy-blue eyes piercing hers. "About…**me**?" Her eyes widen, piecing together his words and behavior. She uses a hand to tilt his head towards her._

_"Hey. Of **course** I'm sure. I love you. I want to marry you. I **am** going to marry you." She smiles nervously at him, her voice rising a bit with anxiety. "We're in a damn church dressed in white and black for god's sake, you can't back out now," she jokes half-heartedly, but there's a desperate edge to her tone that she can't help to conceal. He raises his eyes to hers, seeing that anxiousness brewing just beneath her quiet surface._

_"Sorry," he mutters, leaning forward to kiss her quickly. "I didn't mean to freak you out either. I just wanted to make sure that you're…on board with this." She looks at him. "Cause I sure as hell am," he finishes with a chuckle, doing his best to ease the tension._

_"Well, good," Lexie replies. She sits back, pushing him away a bit. "Now, go. You're not supposed to be in here, and I'm sure Derek's running around everywhere looking for you."_

_Mark gets to his feet. "I hope he hasn't sent out the coast guard yet," he replies, looking genuinely put-down. "If he's supervising the search, he'll _**never**_ be back in time."_

_"Go," Lexie laughs._

_"Fine," Mark grumbles, smirking at her. "Bye."_

_"Bye," she calls, watching him walk across the suite and open the wide wooden doors to leave._

…

"We'll always carry him with us, just like you said," Mark repeats, catching her eye. Lexie holds his ocean-blue gaze for a minute before speaking.

"I guess…I guess we will," Lexie agrees quietly, hugging him tightly again as her mind drifts back in time, in tandem with his. Looking back, they both realize losing Michael was what made them stronger—as a couple and eventually as a family. It's what made them able to survive through marriage and two other panic-filled pregnancies. It's the one thing that was never far from their minds, no matter how much time had passed.

Lexie knew just as well as Mark did that she would never forget the baby they'd lost…

And she wasn't sure she wanted to, not anymore.

…

**_Saying things we haven't for a while, a while yeah,_**

**_We're smiling but we're close to tears, even after all these years._**

—"For the First Time" by The Script

…

…

**_Life is beautiful_**

**_We love until we die_**

**_When you run into my arms,_**

**_We steal a perfect moment._**

**_Let the monsters see you smile,_**

**_Let them see you smiling._**

**_Do I hold you too tightly?_**

**_When will the hurt kick in?_**

**_Life is beautiful, but it's complicated;_**

**_We barely make it._**

**_We don't need to understand._**

**_There are miracles, miracles._**

**_Yeah, life is beautiful._**

**_Our hearts, they beat and break._**

**_When you run away from harm,_**

**_Will you run back into my arms?_**

**_Like you did when you were young;_**

**_Will you come back to me?_**

**_And I will hold you tightly_**

**_When the hurting kicks in._**

**_Stand…_**

**_where you are._**

**_We let all these moments…_**

**_pass us by._**

**_It's amazing, where I'm standing,_**

**_There's a lot that we can give._**

**_This is ours, just for a moment._**

**_There's a love that we can give._**

—"Life is Beautiful" by Vega4

**_the end._**

**Author's Note: The name Michael comes from _Nikita_. The name Peter comes from _Fringe_, as does the title of the story (For those of you who might watch it; it's from when Walter says, "You can't imagine what it's like…to lose a child." It fit pretty well; I used it as a prompt for this fic). And the name Lily I just kind of grabbed out of thin air.**

**The song lyrics added to the last two chapters I put there because I thought they perfectly summed up the story. Plus, I was listening to them while I wrote this and they helped me along. :) If the lyrics read weird (if you haven't heard the songs), they make a lot more sense if you listen to them. Plus, they're awesome songs. :)**

**So,**

**I hope you're satisfied with the ending and the epilogue (sometimes they can be cheesy, I tried not to do that, but I'm not sure how well it worked…). As always, thank you for reading and_please_ review and tell me what you think!**

**Thank you so much to all of you who've stuck with me since the beginning; it means a lot. :)**


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